I am who I am

Like the Little Engine that Could

2011-11-21T08:40:00.000-08:00

I think I can.... I think I can....

....make it through today and tomorrow at work.

I'm such a big baby. I had a glorious weekend, and my first thought when I woke up this fine Monday morning was "dammit, can't I just go back to sleep for five hours?" Then I thought to myself "Self, you have two days of work this week. You can do it." And then Obama's "Yes we can" video started playing in my mind and I was able to drag myself to the shower.

Go ahead, inspire yourselves:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jjXyqcx-mYY

Two days. Actually a day and a half, now. Yes I can.

And then I died and went to Heaven...

2011-11-15T16:04:00.000-08:00

And by Heaven I mean....Mexico.

There's a lot to talk about with my amazing retreat to Tulum, Mexico. The adventures, the friendships, the food, the beach. It was basically like Yoga Camp. Fricking amazing.

I've been home for almost a week now, and I'm trying to hold on to the zen I felt at Amansala. Friends, it ain't easy. There are a lot of forces around me that try, daily, to wreck my bliss because they don't have their own. This last week I've tried to make it a habit to NOT fall into my old habits. To see light instead of dark, to hold my tongue rather than say something sarcastic, to think rather than judge. It takes energy that I'm sometimes reluctant to give up. But, I know that each day I'm forming new habits--one of which is holding onto my zen--and eventually my zen will become my habit.

In the meantime:

If it's a good habit, I should be able to keep it!

2011-10-28T19:51:00.001-07:00

Right??

The last few weeks I've been able to go to yoga at noon on Friday. The teacher is amazing, one of my favorites, and for several weeks I was able to fall into the following routine:

Monday: Yoga

Tuesday: Spin

Wednesday: Teach yoga

Thursday: Spin

Friday: Yoga

Saturday: Yoga

Sunday: Teach yoga

The most beautiful schedule ever. And, at least a little exercise every day, which I love. And my favorite kinds of exercise at that!

Today I sorely missed my noon yoga. Instead, at noon I was at the job, grading papers and tuning out the sounds of my colleagues and the environment. I spent about fifteen minutes imagining myself in class, breathing and moving from posture to posture. It helped, but it wasn't quite the same.

Mexico!

2011-10-27T15:40:00.001-07:00

Seven days from now I'll be living the high life in sunny Tulum, Mexico. I haven't been to Mexico in probably 20 years, and I couldn't be more excited. But, also nervous....because it's been 20 years. I haven't flown internationally since before 9/11. Haven't been to Mexico since the time when you barely needed a birth certificate. Ah, yes, it will be a new experience.

But, I'm going with my yoga peeps....about 40 in total...for six days of amazing yoga practice. It's going to be an absolutely incredible experience!

A Crossroads

2011-10-23T11:23:00.000-07:00

Let's face it, folks, this blog has been languishing. I haven't been holding up my end of the bargain by giving you all good reading material, and I know that. I have lots of excuses, but most of what has kept me from writing is simply that I've changed a lot since beginning this blog six years ago, and even more so in the last two years, and I just wasn't sure where this darling blog should go.

It started as a "hey, this is me" blog. Then it turned into a "Kelly the writer" blog. Then a "Kelly the teacher" blog, "Kelly the yogi" blog, "Kelly the funeral director" blog, "Kelly the yoga teacher" blog, and "Kelly the grad student" blog. And it was in this reflection that I began to struggle---I'm done with grad school (yippee!), hanging out here doing my normal writer-teacher-yogi-spinning-Gatsby lovin' thing, and I'm all worried about my next blog identity.

This blog is, and has always been, called "I am what I am." Nothing more, nothing less. So, you can watch for more posts from me simply being that--what I am. I complain, I laugh, I love, I study, I read, I watch tv, I veg out on Facebook, I read blogs, I write, I learn, I practice..... I do a lot. And I want to share it with you. So, read on :-)

My new love

2011-08-21T19:33:00.001-07:00

If yoga is my marriage, then spinning is my new midlife-crisis torrid love affair. I am LOVING it. My sixth ride was the magic ride--where as soon as I started pedaling my legs/body/brain thought "YES!!"

So, now I'm a spinner. Not a cyclist--I don't do the real road stuff as a solid measure of self-protection. I don't belong on two wheels on the road in any format...yet. Now to work on not destroying my hips and knees......

Reunion time!

2011-07-29T21:58:00.001-07:00

Tomorrow two old friends from college are traipsing into my domicile for a weekend of debauchery and craziness. The plan is for them to arrive around 2pm and, well, that's our plan. There will be food, booze, the pool, some yoga, and total hilarity. I even cleaned the house for the occasion.

Okay, enough with the rain.

2011-06-23T07:14:00.000-07:00

It's like Seattle around here, without the cute guys and mountains. I'm trying to not be annoyed, but I am. I'm sure that my hypersensitivity (or maybe should say hyper-hypersensitivity) is due in large part to the rain. And other people are crabby too, which make the whole place just kind of icky.

I had a friend, his name was Joe. With Joe life was fun, awesome, never slow. Someone raised a fuss, dramatic temper flare. Now there is no more fun with Joe, no more awesome, always slow.

Why I need to be a teacher

2011-06-13T20:54:00.000-07:00

Unstructured time isn't good for me. Having a job where I'm scheduled to the literal minute helps me immensely. Why? Because when I'm left to my own devices, I think.

I think about how I'm almost 35.

I think about how I'm almost 35 and not married.

I think about how I'm almost 35 and not married and I don't care.

I think about how I'm almost 35 and not married and I don't care but I think maybe I should, because someone will need to be around when I'm 80 to feed me baby food.

I think about how I might not make it to 80.

I think about how I want to move away from Shakopee but I have no idea where I want to move to.

I think about how I want to quit my job, but it would be beyond stupid to do so.

I think about how I have over 500 friends on Facebook and not one person to spend my birthday with.

And then I think that I'm probably overthinking and that I really NEED that job so that I don't drive myself nuts THINKING all over the place.

A good guy, gone too soon.

2011-05-14T15:04:00.000-07:00

Last night I went to pick up my friend Lisa for our dinner date. As I rounded the corner onto her block, I saw police cars, lights, etc. "Uh oh," I thought. My first thought was that I hope something hadn't happened to my friend, so I texted her to let her know I was there. Tried to find a parking spot. I avoided the cop cars as much as I could, but eventually had to drive past them to park, at which point I saw the medical examiner van tucked between the cop cars.

Called Lisa to let her know that someone had died in her building. We were both sobered by this idea, her especially because it was her building. She said "I heard the ambulance but I didn't think anything of it."

An hour later she got a text from a friend: "Do you know Derek Boogaard?" Lisa texted back, "Is he dead?" Text response: Yes.

Unbelievable.

Derek Boogaard, dead at age 28, a life cut way too short. I can't believe I was at the place where it happened. I can't believe I saw some of it happening. And, I can't believe that I won't see him on the ice "enforcing" anymore. So sad--a true loss to the NHL and to all of us here in MN.

The disappearing blog entry....

2011-05-13T09:51:00.000-07:00

So, yesterday I wrote this nifty post about graduating from my master's program (last night) and how I'm conquering all of the stress and angst that has been caused by trying to graduate from my master's program (last night) and the thing disappeared!!!!!

What the heck?

I call censorship.

Okay, not really. Nothing I write is incendiary enough to be censored anyway. But, it begs the question--where do lost socks and lost blog entries hang out?

Spring updates, yo!

2011-05-12T09:59:00.000-07:00

Yeah, so I'm pretty much the most terrible blogger ever. I used to blog every day--sometimes I'd have to hold back so I didn't blog more than once (and sometimes I just gave in and blogged, like, three times a day). So, here's my monthly promise to be a better blogger.

Tonight I graduate from graduate school. Yay! I started with the program last summer and will finish at the end of this summer. Whew! But, those of you who know me know I don't dawdle on these life changes--I go full on or I don't go at all! Since I've technically been back in school for one career or another since 2008, it'll feel really good for me to get all gowned up and go through the ceremony. Because I did decide to do the ceremony. It's important for me to put a period at the end of this education thing and be done. At least for awhile. Yeah, I mulled over doing the Ph.D. in English, but I think I need to take a few years to focus on something other than homework (my students or mine) and academia.

This means more yoga. MORE YOGA. Maybe more travel. Definitely more money. These are all good things.

Ugh

2011-04-15T14:29:00.000-07:00

This week has been just gross. There's no other word for it. It wasn't tragic or bad or scary or anything like that. In fact, some pretty icky things happened to people I know and I can stay that I definitely had a far better week than any of them! BUT, I hated this week from start to finish. I never want to have another week like this one. I would describe it, but I have no idea where to begin. I'm just hopeful that leaving work has now closed this week out and I can begin a weekend that is far, far better than the Grossest Week Ever of 2011.

Thunderstorm!!!!!

2011-03-19T21:25:00.000-07:00

Okay, I just saw lightning and heard thunder for the first time this year. It eclipsed whatever I was going to write about. I am so, so excited for spring, for spring storms, for hide-in-your-basement weather...it's bliss. Almost better than a snow day...almost.

Wow...the horoscope world is right!

2011-02-12T07:06:00.000-08:00

Now, I realize that probably everyone who subscribes to DailyOM gets the same horoscope...maybe not, but I'll assume so. Usually I read it with a mixture of interest and amusement, and mostly subscribe so I can get good ideas for yoga themes. Today's horoscope gave me pause, though:

"You may feel somewhat aloof today as you endeavor to meet your regular goals. As you retreat deeper into the solitude beckoning so sweetly to you, the people closest to you as well as those who rely on you may express their displeasure at what they deem your detached demeanor. Your desire for isolation more likely than not has little to do with your feelings for your loved ones and colleagues. If you explain to these individuals that you simply want to spend some time reconnecting with yourself away from the distractions of your outer-world concerns today, they will likely reframe their opinions on your decision to withdraw from social contact."

Stepping away from Facebook seemed to surprise some people...and I was surprised at their surprise. Immediately I had a few people tell me they would miss my status updates, and I've gotten a few "come back and talk to me!" messages via email. It's interesting...Facebook is the most isolated "community". I put my words out there and really assume no one really cares except for 2-3 people that I already see every day anyway. The idea that there are people in my life out there who seek me out to find out how I'm doing is, well, both nifty and a little unnerving.

Status updates I would have if I wasn't self-grounded from Facebook

2011-02-11T19:18:00.000-08:00

Kelly...

...thinks she works with the filthiest people in the world.

...got her otterbox today and a nifty sleeve for her phone!

...is excited for the weekend. Yoga, hockey game, slumber party in St. Paul.

...can't decide where to eat dinner Sat night.

...just had the yummiest popcorn EVER for dinner.

...is still sore from Wed yoga but loved every second of it.

And a few others that have slipped my mind.

Grounded from Facebook, Day 1

2011-02-10T19:13:00.000-08:00

I've gone 21 hours without access to Facebook and, fortunately, have not been twitching too badly. And, interestingly enough, my plan seems to be actually accomplishing what it was supposed to. I'm blogging, for one, and I've got my psych book open next to me so I can write my final paper.

It sounds stupid, I know, to be addicted to something like Facebook. And I'm not going to go so far as to say I'm addicted--after all, I did get through the day without tremors, freaking out, sneaking a peek, or even really thinking about it too much. But, if I'm doing anything for 3-4 hours a day, it better be studying. It's easy, especially when you live alone, to fall into the Facebook habit.

Tomorrow is day 2. So far, so good.

Drawing myself out of the Facebook vortex...for a week

2011-02-09T21:59:00.000-08:00

I used to have a life. I used to accomplish things. I used to be a writer, a yogi, a teacher who occasionally caught up on her grading. Heck, I used to be an introvert! Not anymore. Now, I'm a Facebook whore. And it needs to stop.

People, I have things I need to do. Like writing on this blog, for one. And grading papers. And watching movies. And doing something other than playing Zuma Blitz and constantly refreshing the page so I have the up-to-the-second updates on what everyone I've ever met (and some people I haven't) are doing. So, I'm grounding myself from Facebook. One week. I need to get my act together and stop using Facebook as my lifeline to an outside world I'm too busy to currently be a part of. I need to get my work done and play later.

Thursday, Feb 10th through Wednesday, Feb. 17th I declare myself totally grounded from Facebook. If I behave myself, I can come back on Thursday the 18th. If not, well, I don't even know what I could do to punish myself further, so I probably just better abide by the rule, right?

We'll see how it goes....

Some Superbowl XLV observations

2011-02-06T16:44:00.000-08:00

1. Delighted that Lea Michelle decided to wear clothes. Apparently there weren't any magazine spreads nearby for her to sprawl naked on and then be all "What'd I do? What? Oh...I'm sorry....I had no idea I'm a mentor to young, impressionable girls...I won't do it again. Wait, Cosmo called? Sweet!"

2. Christina Aguilera. Really? Yeah, the words to the National Anthem are really more of a suggestion anyway.

3. See that number? That's the number of TOUCHDOWNS my boys currently have. See that same number? That's the number of POINTS those silly Steelers have.

Cleansing in 2011

2011-02-02T12:31:00.000-08:00

It's time for the first cleanse of 2011. Well, actually I'm almost done with it. This time around I did the Ecopolitan 10 day cleanse using UltraClear, mental toughness, and apples. I'm on day 7 and have, so far, dropped 7 lbs. It's nice, even though most of the weight will come back. I cleanse about 4x a year and each time it gets a little easier in some ways and a little harder in others.

Today I stayed home to let my body catch up with the mental stamina of cleansing. It is hard work, no question. Managing cravings that will help me figure out where my weaknesses are, eating when my body says I need to rather than when my job or schedule allow, etc. can all take a lot of time and energy. But, cleansing is ultimately very worth it. It offers a clarity that no diet can. And, what I'm cutting out is mostly what's bad for me. As I build my diet back to "normal" in the next few days, I will inevitably add some of those bad things (coke, pizza, nachos, the amazing fried rice from Big Bowl) back in, but that's okay--I'll be cleansing again in May and need something to get rid of :-)

Where the 2010 Review would normally be...

2010-12-31T20:55:00.000-08:00

Last year I didn't make any resolutions. Just never got around to it. And, I still managed to accomplish stuff--imagine that. This year I...

--> Completed the level 2 teacher training at CorePower
--> Started my master's degree in special education at the U of M
--> Tested out and started teaching C2 classes at CorePower
--> Developed a really great friendship with Friend Amy and deepened several other great friendships.
--> Began Operation: Top 50%
--> Started looking for a house

So, even without actual resolutions, it seems I managed to have a passable year and even get some things done.

This year, I am going to make some resolutions. Some plans. The first one is for January: I'm going to eat out only 1x/week. This includes all meals--breakfast, lunch, dinner--and school lunch. I'm going to concentrate, for four weeks, on making my own meals. There are several purposes for this resolution: first, to save money; second, to lose weight.

Cheers, friends! Here's to a great year, whether you have resolutions or not. Either way, you will accomplish great things!

So not a fan of my paranoid side

2010-12-28T20:27:00.000-08:00

I love 11 days off. I do. And you'll never hear me complaining about time away from school/work.

BUT.

Not having a routine can stir up all manner of shit in my head. I'm a creature of habit. And, when those habits get disrupted, my paranoid side gets all fussy. So, tonight I actually texted a friend to see if she was mad at me. Why? Because she hasn't been texting me "as she normally would." I didn't think she was mad because I've actually done something questionable, or because she yelled at me or isn't speaking to me or doing any of the normal "I'm displeased with you" activities. No, Paranoia sets in and, because I'm not working, I have all day to blow it up in my head to where I think she hates me and we're no longer friends. Just 'cause.

I say often how I'd love to marry rich and never have to work again, but I need to work. I'd end up in the asylum if I didn't have a job to get me out of my head for 8 hours a day. Kind of a bummer, but that's how I roll.

Oh, and the friend is not mad. She told me. Tentatively. And then said I was a freak. And, she's right.

There are so, so many things I love about Christmas break

2010-12-23T20:24:00.000-08:00

A short list:

1. Yoga whenever I want.
2. Cocktails whenever I want.
3. Sleeping in as late as I want.
4. Going to the bathroom whenever I want.
5. Going to bed as late as I want.
6. Reading whatever I want.

Get the picture? It's all about me. No students, no coworkers, no grad classes...finally, for 11 days, I can turn the attention toward myself and just bliss out. For some, the holidays are about giving to others and being charitable. I do that all damn year. I am selfish at Christmas-time and I'm totally okay with that.

I can totally make it one more day...

2010-12-21T21:34:00.000-08:00

Christmas break 2010 is nearly upon us! Eleven days of total freedom (that always ends up being soaked up with all manner of craziness and flies by before I know it) and bliss! I'm in a good position with grading--no major essays--and planning. I do have to read Huck Finn again, which is unfortunate. I'm not sure there's a book I'd less rather read over break, but, alas, it must be done.

There will be lots and lots of yoga, lots of reading, and I'm going to do my free week at The Firm in Minneapolis. I'm going to do some house hunting, and maybe sub a few yoga classes. I will also, of course, nap lots and veg out in front of the People's Court whenever possible. Gatsby won't have to attack me to try to keep me from leaving the house in the morning.

'twill be a very merry christmas indeed!!

Okay, enough with the Saturday Snowstorms already!

2010-12-11T08:56:00.000-08:00

Not going to yoga today, my standing date with myself, because Mother Nature decided to dump an entire winter's worth of snow on us today. I'm feeling a little trapped, but I need to just deal with it . It's an hour, I can do the yoga at home, and, really, I have quite enough to do without taking 3 hours out of my day to drive to Minneapolis for (what would undoubtedly be a fabulous) yoga class.

So, Gatsby and I are hanging out playing on Facebook and looking at our list of things to do. Mine includes cleaning the house, grading, working on my lit review, and possibly 50%ing my books. Gatsby's includes sleeping, laying around, barking at snow, sleeping, eating, guarding his bone, and sleeping. As you can see, we will both be very busy!

I used to come here all the time.

2010-11-27T19:15:00.000-08:00

The problem is, most of my life is far too private to share here. Isn't that icky? I used to talk about my most private, personal thoughts here...but now I feel like I can't because a particular "someone" (who varies, depending on the situation), might stumble upon it. A long time ago I wrote about colors. That's how I feel tonight. Profoundly. And all that's the matter isn't anything I can share, because someone might read it...though I'm certain that no one reads this anymore.

A synopsis:
I took a chance on something today. Very out of character for me. And I had myself convinced that if I did something that was out of character, then the result might be different. It wasn't. It was the same result, and I just never should have done it. Story of my life.

Yoga yoga yoga yoga yoga

2010-11-18T20:11:00.001-08:00

Tonight Amy and I did our usual yoga class (without happy hour, because the bitch is flying to Hawaii at the crack of dawn tomorrow). Tomorrow, I'm going to go to yoga. Saturday, I'm going to yoga. That's three days of yoga in a row, which means my body will be happy, humming along, and loving me.

I'm sad Amy is going to be gone for so long (10 days)...we talk pretty much every day; this will be the longest we've gone without seeing each other in...well...a long damn time. I feel really lucky that we're friends--that she seems to like me as much as I like her. Quite awesome when new people come into your life and make it just that much better.

I can make it through tomorrow at work...then it will be yoga, my lit review, and grading like a crazy person. In other words, just an average day in the life.

This is me, under a rock.

2010-11-09T21:08:00.000-08:00

The rock is made up of:

Not enough yoga classes
Too much grading
Too much confusion with it being November, dark, and 70 degrees
Too much homework
Too much self-doubt with my writing ability on said homework
Not enough confidence that I know my shit when it comes to writing
A messy house
and,
A neglected hound named Gatsby

So, I'm perched under the rock, holding it all up (barely), and vowing that I will never, ever drive myself into the ground like this again.

I wanna yoga. Now.

An F? Seriously?

2010-11-02T20:12:00.000-07:00

So I spent the weekend redoing a group presentation that I gave last Wednesday for my grad class. We flunked it. Big time. This is disconcerting--I had no idea they even GAVE Fs in graduate school. Suffice to say, we redid the thing, got some more points because the prof was really generous, and I lost my entire weekend.

Couldn't afford to lose the weekend. I'm treading water--barely--and having a big storm like that come through exhausted me to the point of almost drowning. I took today off from work to try to get some grading done, but I didn't accomplish nearly as much as I needed to.

There are so many things I want to be doing right now: working on Operation 50%, playing with Gatsby, reading books, going to yoga...pretty much feel like I'm scoring a big F at life right now. I need to work out next semester so I've got time for the things I love to do.

The Neti Pot Epic Fail

2010-10-10T18:17:00.001-07:00

Apparently, 34 years of breathing has left me with an impenetrable mass in my sinuses that renders my neti pot only partially usable. Bummer. I tried the neti pot for the first time last night, expecting to swallow a lot of water, have water float into my brain or out my eyes...pretty much anything except that the water would do what it's supposed to do: flow from the opposite nostril.

I'm so glad I live alone sometimes. There are people who record their neti pot experiences and post them on youtube. Me? I don't even let the dog watch. I'm surprised I'm even telling you fine folk.

Tonight I tried again--same results. Hopefully I'm chipping away at the monstrosity in my nasal cavity. I just hope that when I eventually dislodge it and can breathe truly freely that I don't actually sound like Fran Drescher...

And then I crawled out from under my rock...

2010-09-27T21:32:00.000-07:00

Operation 50%? Nah.

Eating? Nah.

Sleeping? Please.

Socializing? Erm...

Here is my life these days:
1. Work (school)
2. School (grad program)
3. Grading (work/school)
4. Homework (school/grad program)
5. Work (yoga)

If, after all of that, there's still a spare moment or two, I spend it in such a state of awe and wonder at having such a moment that I still don't get so much as a nap, cocktail, or television-zoning-time.

This trimester is tough. Teaching 6 classes, so I have contact with over 200 students a day; department chair the year that we're transitioning to a six-period day; ten credits in a grad program where six is a full load; teaching 4 yoga classes a week; trying to find time to accomplish basic bodily needs like sleeping, eating, and resting my eyes.... it's a lot.

I Am What I Am is a nice reprieve, though. It's easy to write here. I don't need to worry about documentation, organization, or understanding big words. I don't need to justify points, enter grades, or plan. I just am. What I am. Which, right now, is a spectacularly burned out student and teacher.

And a hungry one at that! Must go forage for food...then it's back to under the rock.

What 788 books looks like...

2010-09-06T12:15:00.000-07:00

Operation: Top 50% is still in full swing, even though I haven't updated in the past few days. I finished my kitchen (pics forthcoming) and am absolutely loving it.
My books, however, are a different story entirely. Here are my 788 books:

And:
It doesn't seem like it would be hard to get rid of half of that mess. Considering that I culled about six boxes of books about 2 years ago and never even missed them--or noticed the difference on my shelves--I should be entering this phase of Operation: Top 50% with confidence and hope.

I'm not. I've gone to the shelves no fewer than 6 times, pulled a book off the shelf, gotten a tight feeling in my stomach, and put it back. This is going to be harder than it seems.

First, I have to let go of far more than just the physical books. I have to let go of the part of myself that really wants to be a high-brow reader. I'm an educated, intelligent woman, teacher, and writer. I should want to love Richard Ford, Raymond Carver, and a whole host of other writers that I've learned by hanging out with other writers are writers I should be loving. (Read it again, it makes sense, promise.) I need to let go of the fact that I would rather hold onto my Janet Evanovich books than my short story anthologies, because I've read Evanovich and those books make me happy. When I look at my short story anthologies, I feel that sense of failure--things I should be reading but just can't. Letting go of my Raymond Carver books (or my Anthony Doerr, or my Mary Gaitskill, or my whoever) isn't just letting go of the books...it's letting go of a part of my personality I really wanted to cultivate (again, in my twenties) and never quite managed.

It's hard. The biggest thing this project has shown me is that I'm not just saying goodbye to stuff, to objects. That's the easy part. What's hard is coming to terms with the fact that I am not the person I ever thought I would be. That's not a bad thing--I'm very happy with who I am. And, I suspect once I buff off all of the muck and shine myself up, I'll be even happier.

The other, less esoteric, question is, do I keep books I've read and loved over books I think I'll like but haven't read? I used to re-read books all the time. I read Misery by my lover Stephen King over 20 times in a row...finished the last page, turned back to the first and started again. But, as I've grown up and widened my reading circles, I don't remember the last time I re-read a book. Who has the time? There are so many amazing books out there! But....well...I may have just answered my own question. Though it pains me.

The other thing is, books aren't photographs. They aren't precious heirlooms (for the most part). If I get rid of Janet Evanovich and suddenly am struck down by the overwhelming-can't-be-quelled-urge to read One for the Money , I can go out and buy it. Books are very, very replaceable. (Note: I'm not talking about first editions, signed copies, etc. That collection sits in its own special case and is not counted in my 788 total. Please.)

Lots to think about...but the truth is, my books are choking me. I've tied so much into them--into the titles, the authors, the physical appearance of so many books on my shelves...it's not good. This will be a huge leap forward with Operation: Top 50%, and it needs to be done.

Wasting time

2010-08-29T14:47:00.001-07:00

I wonder how much time I waste in a day.

I'm sitting here, watching TV and, yes, stalking Facebook. I have to leave to go to a meeting in 50 minutes. My psych book is sitting open next to me, and I'm thinking "Eh, I don't really have time to read much."

Really? I couldn't get 50 minutes of reading done? Better to play Bejeweled Blitz and drool over Adam Richman (Man v. Food marathon) for 50 minutes? And, I wonder how many times in a day I make the decision that 5, 10, 30 minutes isn't enough to do something, so I don't do it.

Tomorrow it's back to school...I need to become the queen of time management.

Deep breath...

2010-08-27T14:01:00.001-07:00

Okay, the next plan of attack with Operation: 50% is my books. I counted today...excluding textbooks for my current classes, my Norton anthologies, and my first editions/signed/valuable books, I have 788 books. Eeeks.

Now, to be fair, I'm an English teacher. And a writer. Every job I do revolves around the written word. Plus, I love to read and I'm also, as you may or may not know, somewhat enamored with Stephen King. All of these elements have led to me becoming something of a book hoarder.

So, I need to get rid of 394 books. This will be both easier and harder than my clothes...easier because the emotional attachment isn't as strong, but harder because while the "ohh, I might wear this someday!" is weak compared to my "ohhh, I might read this someday!!"

The goal is to have it done this weekend. I'm nervous.

The bedroom is finished! Some lessons and the updated plan...

2010-08-23T21:30:00.001-07:00

Beautiful, isn't it?

This is the meditation space I was able to create from finally removing 50% of my clothing from my bedroom. It's funny--right now the room looks very uneven--half is clean and minimalist, the other is still cluttered from other non-clothing "stuff". Though I will not be going through the rest of the bedroom in 50% mode, I will be removing everything that doesn't belong in the bedroom (books, writing stuff, dog stuff, etc.) and putting it all with its companions for 50%-ing.

So what did I learn from going through my clothes?

1. My clothing is the biggest illustration that I spent most of my 20s trying to figure out who I wanted to be when I grew up.

2. I think I've figured out who I am, but it's hard to tell because I've held onto all that experimental 20s clutter for, well, four years too long.

3. Everything is replaceable.

Based on the lag time from where I started my clothes to when I actually finished them (almost a month!!), I decided I need to put an endpoint/deadline on this little project of mine. So, my deadline is one year from when I began: July 30, 2011. If I finish earlier (which I would love to do) great. But, I will close this journey out in no more than one year's time.

It's possible--probable--that I'll be moving into a new house before that deadline. It's my hope that the move will accelerate the cleanse.

And, in other news, I am so digging on cucumber water. Refreshing, yummy, mmmmmmm.

The closet is done--for real this time!

2010-08-17T17:49:00.000-07:00

After my first trip through the closet (pics to be posted at a later time), I finished exhausted and nauseated. The pile of clothes I was supposed to get rid of was so huge, the keep pile so small, I felt like I was getting rid of 75% and keeping 25%. Big bummer. That was three weeks ago.

Since then, I've still managed to clothe myself every day. I haven't once had to dig back through the "cleanse" pile. And, as I was putting things away, I came across clothes that I knew I could get rid of. When I first started the cleanse the first time, 213 things seemed like A LOT, so I wasn't as strict in the first 100 items. Hindsight being what it is, I knew I'd need to go through the whole lot a second time.

For whatever reason, this time I counted 416 items (rather than 426), meaning I probably miscounted the first time. So, I could keep 208. And.....I'm there!! :-)

Like I said, I'll post some pics of the before and after. Next I'll be moving through my purses...then it's on to the kitchen!

Soooo tie-tie....

2010-08-14T20:23:00.001-07:00

Man am I tired today!!

Taught two yoga classes--I think that's what did it--and also practiced. Quite an eventful yogic Saturday.

Next week is finals for my transitions class, and my midterm for adolescent psych. And it's one of my last weeks of freedom before I go back to the full-time-day-job.

So, tonight, it's a crazy Saturday night of watching Warehouse 13, snuggling with the dog, and working on my transitions homework. Whoop whoop.

Haven't forgotten...

2010-08-13T19:53:00.001-07:00

I haven't pushed forward on Operation: 50%, but I haven't had any backslide either. Yay. I need a day--afternoon and evening would be perfect--where I can hammer out my clothes once and for all. Then, I'll move to the kitchen. I've got the plan all laid out, but, as usual, hardly any time to execute it. Boo.

In other news...I'm in the works to pick up a new yoga class and will be letting one go. This is a struggle, but I need to have a day off during the week, so I either need to let go of my beloved C1 on Sunday mornings (my first CorePower class) or my C2 on Saturday mornings. Hmmm... I love them both. This is where the yoga becomes kind of difficult--letting go, for reals.

Cleaning out my closets, v. 2.0

2010-08-07T15:52:00.000-07:00

I've decided that I need to start over with my clothing cleanse, part of Operation: 50%. I've been angsty about this all week for no good reason. Every time I wake up I look into my closet, say "ugh, there's nothing in here" and cast a longing glance toward my overflowing "cleanse" pile and sigh. I then, mind you, proceed to get dressed. Yep, that's right--in spite of having "nothing" in my closet, I haven't gone naked even one day this week. I think, though I'm not sure I want to admit it, that means I did it right the first time.

But, just to be safe, I'm going to redo the clothing cleanse. When I first went through, I don't think I prioritized quite correctly. Also, though it will be difficult, I think I need to have all of my laundry done so that I'm not trying to count (and keep) clothes that are only in my mind and not on the bed (where I do my sorting).

I'll start tomorrow, exactly one week after I started the last time. Tonight is do-the-laundry night.

Wish me luck...I'm going into battle here and the only survivors will be 213 pieces of clothing, Gatsby, and, hopefully, me.

Billionaire 50%ers

2010-08-04T20:19:00.000-07:00

So on the news tonight they talked about Bill Gates and Warren Buffet pledging (and challenging other billionaires) to donate half of their wealth to charity!

40 Billionaires Pledge to Donate Half Their Wealth

Good to know I'm not alone ;-)

The trouble with minimizing...

2010-08-04T19:36:00.001-07:00

Okay...I'm still working on reducing my clothes as part of Operation: 50%. Tonight I decided to go through my "keep" stuff and start putting it away. (Everything has been in stacks in my bedroom since Sunday.) The "cleanse" pile--the stuff I'm getting rid of--is the biggest pile (I've ever seen in my life) and is near my door. I have a smallish pile--about 15 things--that I really want to keep, and I figured if I went through the big "keep" pile that I may find some things I could get rid of. The result is that I have a huge mess on my hands and I'm really not sure if I'm at my maximum 213 items or not. I need to put it all away, wash the clothes I've used this week, and then do a formal count again to make sure I'm at my max 50%.

Here are the thoughts I'm having as I go through things:

1. This is really pretty. I love this. I never wear it, but I really like it.

2. Why am I doing this? What's the reward for getting rid of 50% of my stuff? Less stuff? Who wants that?!

3. I have to be REALLY CAREFUL that my first action when I finish this project of mine is to not go out and buy a bunch of new stuff.

4. Why 50%? Why not 25%? Wouldn't that be better? I mean...half is a LOT. It's...like...half.

5. Which still leaves me with a lot of stuff. I mean, what I'm saying here is that 213 pieces of clothing isn't enough for me. Seriously? And I'm not even including socks/underwear in that.

6. I wonder if it was a wrong decision to include my yoga clothes and running clothes in the total. But why? I've been known to wear yoga clothes to school... if I want to use the argument that those clothes are so exclusive they can only be worn during certain events, well...that actually applies to a lot of my clothes. I don't wear my funeral home suits anywhere but the funeral home, but I still counted them. Granted, if I didn't count the yoga clothes, the running clothes or the suits (or, while we're at it, my party dresses) in the total, I'd have another...hell...fifty items I could keep?

I think the point here is, I have to set rules I'm willing to abide by. No one is going to look over my shoulder and say "Ummm....I counted 214...put one back." Or gripe at me because I don't count my yoga clothes as part of the total. Part of the whole struggle is that I've set the guidelines myself, and I have only myself to answer to.

But, this is a work in progress. I haven't thrown anything away...if I need to modify the system, I'll do so. The point is to end up feeling better, lighter, not regretful and angry. Maybe I reduce clothing by 25% first, then do another 25% later. I have a lot of options...

Ahh...summer vacation...

2010-08-04T07:49:00.000-07:00

In the midst of grad classes and teaching summer school and teaching yoga, once in awhile, I'm able to put all of my obligations aside and fully enjoy a summer day.

Yesterday BFF Erica and I went to the pool in the morning, a movie in the afternoon (The Kids Are All Right...*extraordinary* movie), then shopping, then out for cocktails, then to the bookstore, then to Trader Joe's. Ten hours flew by faster than either of us imagined possible, and when I got home--at 8pm--I was exhausted. (And sunburned..ouchy.)

A few years ago, that description would have applied to every summer day. But, Erica and I have both moved on with a little separation between us. We scheduled yesterday almost a month ago. The nice thing is, we're equally busy, so neither of us feels abandoned, and we both, as we discussed yesterday, are confident enough in our friendship that we don't need to see each other all the time. It's nice to know that we can pick up right where we left off. Friends like that are rare and good to have. I'm very fortunate to have several of them in my life.

How did the shopping and bookstore figure into Operation: 50%? Well...I bought stuff. But, I didn't buy any clothes (I had decided that if I did buy any clothes they would need to replace something in my "keep" pile...that kept me from buying anything.) or shoes. I bought underwear--which I hadn't gone through yet as part of the project.

And I bought 8 books. Well...technically 7 because I got one for my mom. But still...bought 7 books. They were all on my list of "books I want" and I got 9 books (one I bought for Erica) for less than $25. But, buying that many books will definitely contribute to a future problem of tackling my book collection with Operation: 50%.

50%? Really??

2010-08-01T19:46:00.000-07:00

Tonight I tackled my clothes. The rules were:

--> Jackets, underwear and socks will be "50%ed" separately so they did not count
--> Sweaters that were borrowed from others and need to be returned do not count
--> Every item of clothing, even if dirty or being currently worn, counts

IT WAS HARD!!!!! It IS hard...since I'm not done. I started at 6pm and stopped at 9:30, and took two breaks in between. I started with a total count of 426 items, which meant I needed to get rid of 213 items. Right now, I'm at about 57% and I have to stop.

Why am I doing this? I grabbed a stack of 5 tank tops, threw them in the "cleanse" basket...and thought "Why am I doing this? What's the matter with having 40 tank tops?" *sigh* Welcome to my inner hoarder. I'm glad I'm struggling with this, though...growth comes from struggling and overcoming those obstacles that present themselves. If it was easy, I wouldn't get anything out of it.

And, I bet no one is going to come up to me and say "OMG, why don't you wear that one shirt anymore? It was your best shirt!" And if they do...well...I can probably go out and buy another one. Everything is replaceable.

Pictures to come when I finish this leg of the project...

50%: Shoes

2010-07-31T17:29:00.000-07:00

Tonight I tackled my shoe collection. Much, much harder than Gatsby's toys. But, not as hard as I was expecting. When I first counted, I had 50 pairs.

It was easy to pick the shoes I definitely wanted to keep and the shoes I definitely wanted to get rid of. Where it got hard was where I had to decide which of the multiple pairs I have that I wanted to keep. For example, I have (well...had) five pairs of Havaianas in all different colors. What's a girl to do? I kept four. Don't judge me.

The only huge casualty besides the lone pair of green Havaianas I'm sure BFF Erica will happily take off my hands was my boots. I have (had) 3 pairs of boots...all different. I kept one pair. I'm still not totally sure about that choice. But, my safety in this whole process is that everything I "get rid of" is going to be boxed up and put in the garage until Spring. If I decide I can't live without the boots I can go get them--but then I'll have to give up another pair.

With the two projects I've done so far, I know I'm doing the right thing. Neither time did I look in horror and say "I have nothing left!" If anything, I was able to see what I DO have far more clearly. Twenty-five pairs of shoes is plenty...that's six pairs per season. And I'm a yogi for pete's sake--I spend half my life barefoot.

The "keep" pile:

The "cleanse" pile:

*I should point out for you counters in the crowd...I have two pairs of tennis shoes--one for running and one for fitness walking--that I did include in the 50 but did not include in my keep 25. I also designated two pairs as "chore" shoes (one flip-flops and the other slip-ons that will live in the garage, not my closet. So, I technically kept 29 pairs and got rid of 21. Just stayin' honest ;-)

Operation: Top 50%

2010-07-30T12:06:00.000-07:00

Prior to Chicago, the last time I'd gone on vacation was two years ago (the infamous camping trip). So, that was the last time I was away from Casa Flanigan for a week's time. When I returned from Chicago, I walked into my house and was, immediately, suffocating. The first word that popped into my mind was "prison" (though now that seems a tad extreme). I went to bed.

On Monday night I wondered if I should get rid of some stuff. But here's the thing--I do that pretty often. It doesn't do any good. I knew I needed to do something drastic. I thought (and posted on Facebook accordingly) "how it would be if she got rid of 50% of what she owns..."

I immediately began to google. Surely other people have done this and blogged about it..I do very little in this life without either a handbook or some personal guidance. But, my search was fruitless. The closest I came was a nifty little book on Amazon about getting rid of 50 things. Guess I'm on my own.

So, last night I started. I originally planned to start with my clothes, but instead I started with Gatsby's toys. Much to his chagrin. Including his grooming supplies, medications (he's dainty), and toys, Gatsby "owns" 64 things. My job was to cut that down to 32 things.Here's what we started with. Notice Gatsby's paws in the upper right corner...he stayed quite close throughout this process.

Next, part way through the cleanse...Gatsby was getting a little irritated at this point.

Finally, the finished "keep" pile...

And the finished "cleanse" pile.

First cleansing: success! Mostly...I had to do 35 things instead of 32 because I just couldn't decide. I'll forgive myself that, though, since it was the first time.

I'm baaaaack!

2010-07-28T16:58:00.000-07:00

Last week I took a hiatus to Chicago to pretend that the whole world agrees that there's nothing more important than yoga. It was a yoga vacation. I ignored the museums, the sightseeing, the plays, and the restaurants (nope, didn't even have Chicago-style pizza while I was there) and concentrated on filling my days with the yoga.

I attended 13 classes in 7 days. Would have done more if the CTA (Chicago Transit Authority) had cooperated. Most of the classes were at CorePower, but I did branch out a bit to two other awesome studios: Tejas Yoga and YogaView.

I met amazing people, and got to know some people I already knew were amazing a little better.

Now I'm home and...a bit nonplussed. I knew that going to that many classes would leave me open, vulnerable, and probably weepy. But I'm questioning *everything*. My yoga, the yoga of others, my mentors, my goals, the way I run my life...it's all up in the air.

So, look for a post in the next few days about how I plan to address at least one of those aspects. Right now, I'm going to go have a cocktail.

Natch!

2010-07-13T15:19:00.000-07:00

I write like
Stephen King

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

Stop making me hate people I love, please.

2010-07-13T09:35:00.001-07:00

First it was Rosie O'Donnell.
Then it was Tom Cruise.

Now, with Mel Gibson, I'm putting my foot down.

I don't want to know anything more about these people other than that they are enjoyable to watch on my favorite movies and programs. I don't care if Rosie O'Donnell is an angry lesbian and she's rude to adults and won't give them autographs. I don't care if Tom Cruise is a crazy Scientologist weirdo who wouldn't allow his wife to scream during labor. I don't CARE if Mel Gibson beats his wife, how many children he has, or if he's racist.

What I care about is, did they entertain me in the media form for which I plunked down my hard-earned cash and provide me with the escape, amusement, knowledge, or whatever I was requesting at the time.

That sound harsh, I know. I SHOULD care if Mel Gibson is a violent bigot. And I do--to one level--the same level with which I read about abusers in the paper and think "man, I really wish they wouldn't do that." The difference is, I'm not emotionally tied to those folks in the paper. Rosie, Mel, Tom and I all shared a lot of good memories together (and other celebrities too...I'll just use these three as examples), and the most upsetting part of this whole situation with Mel Gibson is that I can't ever watch a movie with him in it without feeling a) guilty that I'm supporting him, or b) thinking about his violent outbursts.

Do I blame him? Sure. But, the fact is, if he is a violent bigot, he probably always has been. And Hollywood (and all of us) have supported him smiling and nodding the whole way through. But now, because the media has this compelling need to tell me every disgusting detail about every single person who has ever crossed the threshold of Hollywood, now I can't just simply enjoy those celebrities. Mel Gibson shouldn't beat his wife. He shouldn't threaten to hit her with a baseball bat. BUT, we live in an age where there is zero privacy--and that's not okay. A private argument between two people--however combative it may get-- does not need to end up on CNN. Even if it's Mel Gibson. Even if it's Tom Cruise freaking out. Even if it's Heath Ledger screaming at a grip. We all have moments when we lose our shit. And this attitude that the DJ on KDWB knows jack about Mel Gibson's personal life because he heard a snippet of an illegally recorded phone conversation is complete BS. And yes, they are (and should be) held to a higher standard--I teach high schoolers who look up to these celebrities and no one wants the celebs to be good role models more than me. But, the media has to play fair. They have to give people a chance to make mistakes, to pay for them, to listen to all sides before condemnation.

And, you may say, "just don't watch/listen to it." Believe me, I've tried. I can't turn left in my own bathroom without hearing some trash about some celebrity or another.

So, though I turn it off whenever I can, I'm sad that I can't watch 'Signs' and that tragic scene where Graham Hess finds his wife pinned to the tree and knows he has to say goodbye without hearing Mel's latest rant in my head. I'm sad I can't watch Top Gun without thinking "man...too bad he went crazy...".

Can't we leave just a little bit of fantasy in the world? Not to ignore or deny bad behavior...but do we need to seek out the bad behavior? Magnify and glorify it? I don't think so....and I'm irritated.

It's all giving and no taking...

2010-07-09T15:28:00.000-07:00

Today I met with RuthAnn Ritter, an Ayurvedic consultant I met through CorePower teacher training last year. RuthAnn is amazing...she's part nutritionist, yoga expert, life-coach, all awesome. I'm able to meet with her 2-3 times a year when she visits Minnesota from Colorado.

What I learned today is that all of my giving: to my students (high school and yoga), to my jobs, to my academics, to my friends, is depleting me more than I had realized, and it's manifesting itself in all sorts of ways. A lot of my recent behaviors that have seemed really peculiar made perfect sense when talking to RuthAnn. Her one question: "where is the balance?" sent me spinning....there is no balance. And the more I get into summer, the less balance there is.

I leave for Chicago in 9 days. I'll be there for a week--July 18-25. It's my goal for myself to take that time just for me. To try to get back some of the balance.

I also can't wait to enjoy some of my new loot from RuthAnn, including awesome soap, yummy tea, and tons of other stuff. If you live in Colorado definitely hook up with her--she'll change your world! And, if you don't, check out her website--you'll still learn a ton.

Things I am loving and hating: a list of extremes

2010-07-08T20:29:00.000-07:00

Since it's summer :-)

Things I am loving:

--> An all-night marathon of 'The Nanny' on Nick@Night

--> Finishing my first class in graduate school

--> Animal, Vegetable, Miracle by Barbara Kingsolver

--> A kid in my summer school class who is overweight, socially challenged, and completely brilliant.

--> Watching my dog chase the laser around until he can barely catch his breath

--> Having total freedom to plan a ground-breaking curriculum for my hybrid writing class in the fall

--> The 4-5 hour happy hours with my friend Amy

--> Summer sunshine

Things I am hating:

--> The Justin Morneau commercials on the radio. It takes a lot for me to hate McDonalds, Morneau AND the MN Twins, but those commercials are doing a bang-up job.

--> The U of M sending me an email letting me know that, by the way, my instructor for my adolescent psychology class is changing effective July 19. Wha....?

--> I forgot to record Big Brother tonight

Clearly summer is much happier than it is hating. That's a good thing. Especially about the grad class: one down, a bunch to go, but I'm learning a lot that will already be put to good use in my classroom. Viva summer!!

Differences between this cleanse and the last...

2010-07-03T10:48:00.000-07:00

--> I'm not as hungry as I was the last time. Making more of a conscious effort to eat "on schedule" (every two hours) rather than sitting around trying to deprive myself to prove that I'm good at cleansing has made a world of difference.

--> I have plenty of choices. Master cleanse, cranberry/water, my broth (for the three day part of the cleanse), herbal teas...it's nice to say "hmmm...what am I going to eat" rather than "Um..what CAN I eat."

--> I don't have as much energy. Last time I was still practicing pretty actively and working full time...maybe I was exhausted as I am now, but I can't remember. Part of it might also be that it's the middle of summer and I haven't quite had a summer break yet...

--> I'm smarter about what I can eat--and what I'm willing to. Have I been eating saltines during the broth phase? Yep. Am I "supposed to"? Nope. Oh well. They taste delicious to me, and they keep me from running out to Chipotle and buying the place out. Or White Castle, which I was craving yesterday in spite of the fact that I have never, not even once in my life, ever eaten there.

Tomorrow is the last broth phase day--then it's back to solid foods...eating clean and testing. I'm continuing only through July 8 (a ten day event), because Amy and I are going to happy hour on the 9th. Can't wait to add some toxins back into this bod!

Chi-town, baby!

2010-07-01T20:11:00.000-07:00

This girl is going on vacation!! Been two years since I've packed a bag for other parts of the region, and it is high time I do it again. So, I'm heading to Chicago to go play yoga for a week. I'm excited to see some former students, hopefully bond with some new friend-types, and learn some more about my yogic path.

34 and all is well

2010-06-25T06:51:00.001-07:00

So, celebrated a birthday for the 34th time last week. So far, it's going just fine. Summer school, grad school, taking the dog for walks every night, doing some yoga, teaching some yoga...that's life right now.
I'm exchanging my Seattle trip for a trip to Chicago...I'm dying to get back out to Seattle to see my fabulous family and eat seafood that wasn't flown or trucked in, but I'll need to wait since times just didn't line up. Chicago will hopefully be restorative--lots of yoga, sightseeing, shopping, and pizza :-)

The final countdown

2010-06-02T21:16:00.001-07:00

It's June!!! Tomorrow is the "one week left" mark of the school year, and it cannot come fast enough. Do I feel this way every year? I probably do.

This summer is no break, though. Summer school, 60 hours of curriculum writing in preparation for two new classes this fall, and 10 credits in grad school. Oh, and teaching yoga 7 days a week. Summer break? That's for amateurs.

Mmmmm...Sundays....

2010-05-30T19:33:00.001-07:00

Sunday is just an awesome day. Isn't it? And the Sunday of Memorial Day weekend is, perhaps, the best Sunday of all (well, second to the first Sunday of summer vacation, that is).

Today I began my day by screaming "NO!!!"--like that was literally the first word out of my mouth, and it was, literally, a scream. See, I woke up at 7:34am. My first thought was that it was Saturday morning and I was 4 minutes late to my yoga class which is a 20 minute drive from my house. Then my brain said "No, girl, it's Sunday!" And I went back to sleep :-) Taught my 10:30 class (on time, thank you), then went to Minneapolis to sub a C1. There were 11 fabulous students in the class I subbed, and since it's not a studio I usually teach at, they were all new to me. 'Twas lovely.

Tonight I went to a surprise party for one of my mentors, Otto. She's retiring this year, so alumni from speech and theater came to celebrate her. I saw former students going all the way back to my first year of teaching, and it was really inspiring to hear how much Otto impacted them. Should give me nice energy to get through these last two weeks of school.

It's like a whole ball of nothing going on.

2010-05-28T20:26:00.000-07:00

What to say? School is winding down (though each day is like a stake to the heart) and summer is approaching. Yoga continues to rule, and, with last weekend's intensive teacher training, I feel like I've grown in my practice leaps and bounds.

Current favorite song is Snatam Kaur's Ong Namo, a totally awesome yoga tune.

Tomorrow morning I'm teaching the Sat. am C2...first class I've taught in a over a week. Hope I haven't forgotten how!

Things that are pissing me off right now:

2010-05-12T10:14:00.000-07:00

1. Everyone under the age of 19.

2. People who have an extraordinary interest in everything I do. As in, I pick up a magazine from a pile of crap I need to file. "Oh, Kelly, is that a Cosmo? Why do you have that?" "Oh, Kelly, you're not eating a hamburger for lunch today?" Get interested in your own lives, people. Leave me alone.

3. The woman I know who snaps her gum. More irritating because she's not a gum-snapping type. Yet she does. Loudly. And all the time.

4. That my writer friends have totally abandoned me. Mostly my own fault, because for a stretch of time I couldn't do anything because I was so overloaded and busy, but now they all go out and have a blast together and don't extend the invitation to me at all anymore.

5. That I can't eat my chips and cheese right now because I'm typing.

6. There was something else, but I've forgotten it.

Yay feedback

2010-04-27T05:55:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I got my first "here's what we'd like you to improve" feedback from one of my yoga studios. Taking it in the spirit in which it was intended, which it has taken me 24 hours to do, it's very helpful. The clients want the class to be stepped up--harder, more intense, less predictable, etc. This isn't even negative feedback. It's a request--and it's a completely valid one. I know that the class isn't as difficult as the clients want it.

The trouble is, the class IS as difficult as I'm comfortable teaching it. There are certain postures, certain flows, that I don't want to teach because I can't do them myself. It's sort of like teaching a book to my English classes that I haven't read. Can I do it? Sure. Can I do it well? And to the betterment of my students? Not a chance.

So, what do I do? I haven't been comfortable teaching the class since I got it. I don't know if it's weird chemistry, my lack of confidence, the early hour (7:30am), or what. Maybe all of the above plus a few other elements. I've subbed out the class the last few weeks as a pure avoidance tactic. I have two choices:

1. Suck it up and keep teaching the class. Use the feedback the best I can, change up the sequence the best I can, and try to make the class a happy medium between what I can teach and what the clients want.

2. Step away from the class for a few weeks. I'm doing an additional teacher training in a few weeks that I'm hoping will help me increase my skills. In the meantime, I can work on some seqencing and practice.

I don't know what to do, but I need to decide quickly. I don't want to look like a big quitter, but the fact is, I think I'm in over my head here. And, honestly, I've been teaching yoga for less than a year. It's fair that I'm not ready to teach advanced classes. I think. Or maybe I'm just making excuses.

Rainy day yoga

2010-04-24T08:42:00.000-07:00

I subbed out my early class this morning--just couldn't do it. Slept late in the rain, now I'm heading to yoga in Minneapolis. I love rainy days...I love yoga. Today should be a good day. Plus, Gatsby, the furriest dog EVER, is finally getting his trip to the beautician today, the lucky boy.

Raw raw raw

2010-04-07T20:13:00.000-07:00

It's amazing the toll the dying can take on the living. The last few weeks I've been exhausted, crabby, out-of-sorts, and just plain sad. I couldn't put my finger on it and it's been bugging me to no end. Everything is going right in my world--I have nothing to complain about.

Except that my grandpa is dying. He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer a few weeks ago, and while we were hoping to have several months with him, hospice has now reduced his time to weeks. And, his impending death is weighing on me in a way the deaths of my grandmothers didn't, because I know it's coming. One grandma died unexpectedly (as unexpectedly as an 83 year old dies, that is), and my other grandma died within a week of a bad fall. With neither one of them did I have the chance to think about all of the things that needed to be said. Now I have that chance. I'm taking it--I wrote my grandpa a letter saying everything that I wished I had said to my grandma and all of the things that I'm glad I get to say to him. I'm so thankful to have that chance.

My grandpa's funeral will be my 6th funeral since October. It started with my college professor, Mark, then my grandma, then two former students back-to-back, then my godfather. I have to say, I would never have expected to lose so many family members in one year--I don't have that big of a family!

It's important to remember the toll death takes on the living. It's exhausting to operate daily tasks and grieve at the same time. I forget that, even with all of the funerals I've been to over the years. I'm expecting my insomnia to start soon-- it always does. I have to remember to be patient with myself in these times...to let myself be crabby and communicate with those around me that I'm really struggling. I need to turn to my sources--my family, friends, yoga, writing, to keep me sane.

Facebook: The Vorex of Hell

2010-03-26T15:00:00.000-07:00

I declared today my official "Facebook-Free Friday." After spending six hours playing games on FB last night, I decided enough is enough. It would be one thing if I spent six hours just that one time...but I don't. I tend to come home from work and play games on FB until I go to bed. I think it's more boredom than anything else...I'm watching tv or laying on the couch and I figure "what the heck"--may as well play games. But, I think all that computer time is doing bad things for my concentration and overall mental wellbeing.

So...maybe every Friday will be Facebook-Free? It's a little ridiculous how much I've gotten done today. The true test will come tonight, though, during my typical FB time. But, I'm midway through cleaning a closet so hopefully I'll have enough to keep my hands and mind occupied.

Balancing yoga with business

2010-03-24T21:56:00.001-07:00

I'm coming up on my one year anniversary of being a certified yoga instructor. In that time, I've taught over 200 classes and private sessions. I've gone from teaching one class a week to teaching eight...currently at five. And, as with many aspects of my life, the issue I struggle with is balance.

I just looked at the websites of three friends who are all "yoga friends". They began in the same place I did--teacher training at CorePower--but seem to be doing more with their yoga profession than I am. As I type that statement, the proverbial angel and devil are perched on my shoulders:

Angel: Don't compare yourself to others--yoga is your journey and you're doing everything you can. It's not about them, it's about you.

Devil: Look at how much they're doing--look at their websites! Look at their organized pricing! You could do so much more if you just applied yourself.

Ugh. So, I'm needing to find the balance. Teaching full time, teaching yoga for 10 hours a week...it's enough. And, in the summer, I'll be able to pick up more in a reasonable way. I think I'm lacking a specific goal, and that's what I'm picking up on. When I began teacher training, I set goals. When I was finishing and embarking on my career, I set goals. Somewhere along the way I met, forgot, or abandoned my goals.

NEW GOAL: In June of 2010, I will have a designed, live yoga website for my yoga instructor career.

There--now the angel and devil can pipe down :-)

Happy anniversary to 'I am who I am'

2010-03-20T17:16:00.001-07:00

Five years ago today I sat down and decided to start myself a blog. Didn't really know how often I'd write or what I'd say--and I *knew* no one would read it! Now, five years later, I'm older, wiser, and I'm still sure no one reads it ;-)

Blogging is a form of writing I'm still not sure I'm comfortable with. It's hard to write every day, which needs to be done, really, with a blog. Sometimes I have really boring days. And sometimes there are things going on that are completely interesting, but I can't talk about them. Other times, there's sad stuff, happy stuff, profound stuff, and just plain random stuff.

If you're a reader--thank you! Thanks for sticking by me in my recent hiatus. My blog is out of toddler stage...it's going to be starting kindergarten soon! And, who knows, a change may be on the horizon...

Today I opened spring by celebrating with my fellow yogis and doing my first 108 sun salutations with the beautifuls Lisa Bloom and Sarah Goble at CorePower Yoga. It was fabulous. They ran it in quarters. I tried to keep count but lost it after probably 4 or so. The first quarter went by in a breeze--the second I thought would never end. The third, also, because very challenging. I started to modify my chaturangas. The fourth I'm pretty sure I put out the ugliest sun salutations known to yoga, but I did them! The energy in the room was awesome--and I know the next time I do it I'll get that blissed out feeling people talk about. I rarely allow myself to bliss out the first time I do something--way too concerned about the overall picture to allow myself to let go.

So, to anniversaries and to the first days of spring, Yay! Beauty and love to all of you! :-)

Huh

2010-03-18T22:00:00.000-07:00

A list of random things:

1. Spring break begins tomorrow at 3:01pm. Huzzah.

2. Saturday is the five year anniversary of 'I am who I am'. Not even sure quite what to say about that.

3. My NCAA bracket is pretty much shot to hell. This irritates me because, since I am so blindingly busy even though I have a student teacher full time, I didn't have time to actually create my own bracket. So, I copied the brackets of two sportsy-type men on the internet who touted something like a 90% accuracy rate on last year's bracket. So far, they both suck.

4. FIVE YEARS!??!

5. I would really like my tax return now please.

Flip-floppy McGee

2010-03-04T13:59:00.000-08:00

So, the end of the trimester rolls around and, just when I need to be making decisions quickly and decisively....my brain just decides to stop. Seriously--it's like "Um...yeah...I don't want to do anything except stare at the wall." At first I just thought it was yoga-brain from the INSANE ashtanga class I took last night. Sadly, it didn't end up that way because I am finding it next to impossible to complete a sentence. Seriously--right now the only thing I can focus on is Judge Judy. I need to make dinner and get ready to teach yoga in an hour....must....get.....to.....kitchen.....

State Your Purpose, v. 2.0

2010-02-27T19:20:00.000-08:00

A little over 3 years ago, I wrote my first SoP--my Statement of Purpose for my U of M MFA application. Last Monday night after a conversation with beautiful yoga teacher Lisa, I decided that some significant changes need to be made in my life in order for me to continue being happy and joyous in 2010. So, I applied, again, to graduate school. Specifically, the U of M (again, fingers crossed they take me this time!) M.Ed in special education.

It's amazing how easy a SoP is to write when one has a purpose. I remember struggling for weeks with my MFA SoP, trying to work my round life into a square hole--typing what I thought the U would want to hear rather than what I really felt. When I read it last week, I couldn't even read through the whole thing--it was awful. No wonder they didn't let me in. Not one authentic word in the whole thing. This time, though, the words flowed easily and authentically. Because this one matters. It is time for me to have this degree.

I'll hear about the program in mid-April. No one except my parents and a few people at work know I've even applied. One of my best friends doesn't even know because, well, we didn't talk last week. Gotta be quick to stay caught up with me, my friends!

Application goes out in Monday's mail--the day of the deadline. In one week's time I decided to apply, did the app/resume/SoP, secured letters of recommendation, tracked down official transcripts from three colleges and my Praxis scores from 1996. Not too darn bad.

Three day weekend, baby!! Yoga, yoga, yoga.

2010-02-12T21:26:00.000-08:00

I had the worst time keeping track of the days of the week this week! Seriously. I spent all of Thursday thinking it was Friday (to the point I said to my friend Amy "hey, have a great weekend!" She said "Hey, I'll see you tomorrow 'cause today ain't Friday!"). I also spent all of Thursday thinking I had to work this coming Monday when I don't. So, the joke was I wouldn't show up on Friday but I would on Monday. Thank goodness I didn't miss work this morning.

But, I'm going to be a yoga goddess this weekend, for sure. Monday I'm hitting at least two classes--Monday being my first full day off in months. Tomorrow I'm teaching one class and I'll take another. Sunday I'm teaching two and will take one...maybe two ;-)

Power to the three day weekend!

Things I am wishing for at this moment:

2010-02-08T19:27:00.000-08:00

1. A snow day. Or at least a two hour late start.

2. An extra six hours in each day. I think this whole "24 hour" business is terribly short. And un-round. Haven't we earned a round numbered day?

3. My headache to go away.

4. Soup. Broth based--not cream. Maybe chicken noodle. Or beef barley. Yum.

See...not that much! Well...maybe asking for six additional hours in each day is a bit greedy. But, if you don't ask, you don't get, right?

Cleansing from the inside out

2010-02-03T13:58:00.000-08:00

The cleanse I'm doing through CorePower's Nutrition program is almost done...thank God. I want a pizza so badly I could either maim another human being or cut off a part of my own body for one. *Or, as some sarcasmo reminded me this morning, I could just go to the store and get one.*

I'm on day 3 of the "broth phase"--a phase of eating two liquid concoctions and our supplement only. No "actual" food. I am ready to chew again.

Tomorrow I get to go back to eating clean, which I thought was practically a punishment last week when we did four days of it, but which I now understand is fine dining. I have to figure out my meals tonight for the next few days. I'm not sure I will have ever enjoyed menu planning as much as I will tonight!!

I have a confession...

2010-01-17T13:42:00.001-08:00

Okay...so, we're a few weeks into 2010. In spite of a few down minutes/hours, I'm still digging hard core on 2010. But, I've been living a lie and I need to come clean.

I didn't make any resolutions. I said I would, then I said I had, and I did spend a lot of time thinking about what they might be if I wrote some down, but I stopped shy of the writing. So, I am resolutionless for the first time in my life (or, I guess, for the first time since I knew that resolutions existed).

There. Now you know my secret. And, to be honest, not having resolutions has left me feeling a little aimless. A little bit free-floating. Not a horrible thing, but I'm not exactly comfortable with it.

But... I've also been thinking about why we make resolutions. And, I'm wondering if sometimes this "Jan 1" businesses leads us to start to be overly critical of ourselves and seek out improvements where maybe none are needed. Oh, sure, we can always tweak a thing or two, but why do I always feel like I need a massive overhaul every year? I don't. I'm just fine. And I was just fine as I began last year too.

So, though I'm left feeling a little lost and a little unsure, I'm starting to come to terms with my lack of my normal 12 resolutions (one for each month). I accomplished a ton last year--and I plan to do the same this year. We'll see how it goes :-)

I am in love with 2010!!!

2010-01-03T16:17:00.001-08:00

I know it's only the third day of the year, but so far I am so digging 2010 I could just marry it. Each day has been better than the one that came before it. Today I taught yoga to an amazing 33 people--31 in my CorePower Yoga class and 2 in my Yoga4You class. My 2 in Y4Y were "repeat offenders"--lovelies who have been to a class of mine before. I love seeing people come back--not just because it's people coming to yoga, but also because they liked my class enough that they said "sure, I'll take her class again." I know some people just look at the time--they don't care who the teacher is--but most people, I like to think, are like me and seek out specific teachers who they know will give them a good class.

I'm nervous because I need to start thinking about testing out to teach the next level of classes at CorePower. I know that I'm ready--I've been teaching yoga for nine months...my teacher training was, unbelievably, almost a year ago. My fear is in the details--the heat/humidity, the sense of the sequence, will it be hard enough, will it be too hard, will I run at the mouth with my dharma talk, will people hate the class...with the C1 it's easier--the sequence is set. But, in some ways, that should give me confidence--my talents comes in delivery and in style, not the creation of the set C1 sequence, so I know people come to my classes because of that delivery, that style, which will certainly translate to teaching a C2 level class. Ahhhhhhh, yoga.....

2009 Year in Review

2009-12-31T19:05:00.000-08:00

So...how'd I do? My resolutions for 2009 came down to sheer will, some luck, and, uh, forgetfulness. And as I sit here on the eve of 2010, drinking champagne and watching the Wild suck it up, I'm feeling pretty good.

I broke up my resolutions into two categories: personal and writing. Here we go.

Personal resolutions:

1. Do not spend more than I earn.
Success. I've managed to pay down a lot of my debt and live on what I make. Granted, I added three jobs to my workload, which increased my income, but the resolution is an affirmative.

2. Keep house clean.
What kind of a resolution is this, anyway? Did I mean to keep it clean ALL THE TIME? Please. Nothing like setting myself up for failure. Is it clean right now? Pretty much. That's what matters, right?

3. Complete yoga teacher training
YES. And I'm so proud of myself for doing it. This was, by far, the highlight of my year, and I had no idea the number of people it would allow me to meet and joys it would allow me to experience.

4. Make a decision about mortuary science (apply this year or next?)
Yes. I'm going to do the program. Sometime. I'm not applying in 2009--obviously--and I won't be applying in 2010. But, I will. Someday.

5. Run at least three times a week
Not the whole time. I did run...but this will be a new resolution for 2010.

6. Run a half-marathon
I ran a 5K and a 10K, which, together, are almost a half-marathon :-)

7. Do yoga five times a week
Probably average, I did. There were weeks where I didn't do any and weeks where I did 10 or more classes. The point is, I think, that I have a regular yoga practice and it's keeping me healthy.

8. Once a month, fill at least one bag to give to charity or consignment
Eh? Again, I think my head was in the right place here. I did get rid of a lot of stuff.

9. Keep my weight where it is--maximum
YES. Yippee!

My writing resolutions both soared and fell completely flat. Soared in that I published my first story--which was not, ironically, a resolution. I fell flat in that I did not do the writing I wanted to do, particularly in the latter half of the year.

So, how did I do overall? Pretty damn good, I'd say. I lived well, learned a lot, met new friends, kept the old friends, stayed alive, and am here on the eve of 2010 smiling away. Yes, damn good indeed.

Look for 2010's resolutions soon.....

Random Stuff

2009-12-30T20:38:00.000-08:00

First of all, 'It's Complicated' is the funniest movie I've seen in a long time. Seriously. Meryl Streep is, of course, a goddess. Always has been, always will be. Adding in Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin? Please. I'd watched about five minutes before I knew I'd be buying it when it comes out on DVD.

Also, the newish Snow Patrol album is now in my possession and I dig it, yes I do.

Third, the new year is almost upon us. This means you can expect an onslaught of "2009 meaningful things" like the top 25 songs, top 10 books read, etc. Most will be posted tomorrow night when I do my annual "Kelly Night" New Year's Eve celebration.

Funeral the Fourth

2009-12-22T20:38:00.000-08:00

I went to my fourth funeral in four months tonight. Well...visitation, actually--but I sort of count them as the same thing. I actually think the wake is more important--sort of like the wedding reception being more important than the actual ceremony.

I haven't had that funeral to month ratio since my Montgomery days, and I forget sometimes how exhausting death is. This is something I need to think about as I embark on a career in mortuary science. I am still doing that, by the way! Death screws with my sleep, with my eating, with my everything. I've talked about it before, but it's how I deal with it--it's not something that is likely to change. So, when I think about making my career in the death industry, surrounding myself with grief and death and dying, I have to wonder--will I make it? Will I desensitize myself or find coping strategies that enable me to sleep at night? Or, will I NOT make it--simply drop from sheer exhaustion at some random funeral because I ignore my own physical reactions.

It's an interesting question.

Grandma, Mark, Pete, and Marissa. 93, 54, 19, 20. Grandmother, Husband, Son, Daughter.

Exhausting.

Needing to do some reevaluation

2009-12-21T09:08:00.000-08:00

After losing yet another student yesterday morning (she succumbed to cancer after an almost 14 month long fight), I find it time to do some reflection. It doesn't hurt that it's the end of the year, too.

Here goes. Since September, the following has happened:

1. 9/20 Friend from college was killed when she was hit by a car

2. 10/6 my grandma died.

3. 10/6 I found out that my favorite college professor had passed away from cancer in June.

4. 11/8 My fairly serious car accident that involved me being transported by ambulance and left my car totaled.

5. 11/15 A good friend's 28 year old brother was found dead.

6. 11/16 A friend and colleague collapsed from a seizure in his classroom. Double whammy here--the truama of seeing him and not knowing what was wrong, combined with a nice dose of flashback from when I was a junior in high school and my English teacher died in his classroom. My friend, is, fortunately, just fine.

7. 11/29 A former student, 2009 graduate, committed suicide.

8. 12/20 A former student, 2008 graduate, died of a brain tumor.

I'm beyond sad about all of the above events--the deaths especially, but those "near misses" have also taken a toll on my day-to-day life. I feel alternately blessed and hopeless. Blessed for knowing that each of these deaths is a bright shining light on the amazing life I live...but hopeless because I can't wrap my head around a world where amazing people have to die. And, the unpredictability of it all--sitting down to think that we all could really die at any moment for any cause is consuming my thoughts. But, I can't get too focused on it because then I'm wasting away the time that I have--and that's disrespectful to the people who have died.

Also, I'm climbing very deeply into work activities and also still planning mortuary science, and a career in yoga. I'm starting to feel like I'm reaching the bottom end of a funnel, where I've had all these ideas floating around and swirling toward their conclusion, but when I get there everything is going to be jammed up and bottlenecked and confused. I have to start making longterm decisions.

Seriously, what's so hard about staying in your own lane?

2009-12-15T19:16:00.000-08:00

This is my gripe for today. People who drive on or over the white line that separates the lanes of traffic...not because they can't see the line or because the lane is too narrow, but because they are simply too lazy to turn the wheel the centimeter needed to keep the car in the lane.

I don't get it.

And now, a list of things that made me happy today, because focusing on the positive is better in the long run:

1. I got an email today from the mother of a former student of mine who is dying of a brain tumor. She hasn't been sick long--less than a year and a half--and is living on hours/days. I emailed her mom and asked her to tell Marissa that I said hello and I was thinking about her. Her mom said that she told Marissa about my email, and Marissa smiled. That made me feel very happy.

2. I did not have any students at my yoga class tonight, so I worked on a sequence for testing out to teach C2 classes, and I really like what I came up with!

3. I am going to make popcorn in about ten minutes.

"The List"--a three month check in

2009-12-14T15:59:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I fell off track there for awhile, no question. But, I'm getting back to normal, and I'm thinking (especially with the loveliness of Christmas coming up) that I'm gonna be just fine. I did an advanced yoga class last night for the first time since the accident and it felt like coming home. Seriously, aside from the screaming pain in my ribs in certain postures, my body was like "yeeeeeeessssssssssssssss!"

And, now that I've been working with The List, admittedly more off than on, it's time for a check in, refocus, and update.

The List:

1. I will take care of my body. I will eat nutritionally and go to bed at a reasonable hour. I will not take naps, rather I’ll do energizing activities like cleaning or walking or running.

Nope. Literally not one thing. I've been eating like a teenage boy, going to be at 1-2am (up at 6am for work), and taking naps at every available opportunity. Walking? Running? Ha...good one.

Refocus: I'm going to go through my cookbooks and plan one meal a week that's a fully organized affair. Just once, which will then buy me lunch the next 1-3 days. Baby steps. Sleeping...always hard. I think spending less time on the computer (see below) will enable me to accomplish more during the evenings and, thus, get me to bed earlier.

2. I will manage my time. My time is precious, and I shouldn’t waste it. I need to use it doing activities that I enjoy and that help me relax. And I need to remember that Facebook and computer games are nice but they aren’t mentally stimulating or a good use of time. I will limit my use of the computer games.

Not great here, but not horrible either. I've reserved Monday evenings as my "home night" and Wednesdays as the night for my personal yoga practice. When I'm at home, I need to remember that there was a time when Facebook didn't exist. It's easy for me to see how teenagers can get so addicted--hell, *I'm* addicted and I'm a responsible, intelligent adult.

Refocus: Going to try to either limit my computer time to an hour an evening or take one day a week "computer free". I'll try both to see which is more effective...

3. I will continue a regular yoga practice. I will practice 2-3 times a week, balancing C1 and C2 classes, as well as my class at Sigh.

Because of the accident, there was no yoga practice. I did fit in a few C1s once I began to heal and I've been to my class at Sigh the last few weeks with the amazing Nan Arundel.

Refocus: Now that I'm further on the mend, I'm going to try to do 1 C1 and 1 C2 a week, plus my Nan class. Maybe an extra C1 or C2 if I can make it work. And I'll make it work.

4. I will not take my work home with me. I cannot let negative experiences or negative people have control over how I live my life. I don’t have a choice about working with them, but I do have a choice about how I let them impact my post-work day.

If there's one area that I've really done well with, it's here. Even just that awareness--the separation of not letting the negativity of other people impact my life long after they're physically out of my space has helped. Thank you, Yoga.

Refocus: Continue here. Practice patience with people who irritate me--knowing that no one starts out their day thinking "how can I best irritate Kelly?" (well, except some students, but that's another story). Everyone has a story and they act according to how they feel they should. My response to it is all up to me.

5. I will plan ahead. I need to be aware of events and plan accordingly. Doing things “on the fly” is stressful for me, so I need to stop doing that!

Good here, I think. Another yoga teacher used a term the other day I loved--she called herself a "time pessimist." I am SO a time pessimist!! I always think there isn't enough time to do something, so I either don't do it at all or I waste an incredible amount of time "getting there early."

Refocus: I need to be realistic about the time I have, and plan out my schedule for the following week on Sunday afternoon.

6. I need to let go. When things don’t go my way, or someone yells at me or is disrespectful, I need to handle it, then let it go.

Decent here...could be better, could be worse. I think, considering how unbelievably sensitive and self-absorbed I am, I'm actually doing quite well. And, again with the yoga, I was involved in a conversation recently about the phrase "let go" and how silly it is--that it's impossible to truly "let go" because each experience, no matter how tiny, adds to the layers of who we are. There is no "letting go."

Refocus: Rather than "let go"--think of what I really mean. That's all I'm going to say about that right now...need to think on this one.

So, overall, not as bad as I thought. I need to work on the basics--which are things I've *always* needed to work on my whole life. I've never eaten well (when left to my own devices), never slept like I was supposed to, etc. and that's had an effect on all those other areas. Build the foundation :-)

Ahhh...a reunion with my blog

2009-12-10T20:23:00.000-08:00

Maybe it's the weather...maybe it's extreme writer's block...maybe I'm just feeling less than stellar....Whatever the reason, I haven't written anything in FOREVER. No blogging, no fiction, not even a Christmas letter to my loved ones.

And, I need to get back to it. I hate it when I stop writing and then a ton of stuff happens--there has been a lot--but then I don't know where to begin.

That's where I'm at now.

So, I'll just begin with yesterday's absolutely amazing, incredible SNOW DAY!!!!!! It was bliss. Sleeping in, reading my book, doing laundry, and then in the afternoon I dug myself out to go to Von Maur to buy three adorable dresses. Yeah, there was a brilliant sale.

Tomorrow is Friday--yay--and then it's one week down into the new trimester. So far so good...and my yoga practice is getting back. Come to think of it, I haven't been writing pretty much during the same timeframe that I haven't been able to do yoga.... must explore that possibility.

And, so, here ends my post of mundane-ness. I'll try to come up with something better for tomorrow, I promise.

What does one respond to a largely complicated yet rhetorical question?

2009-11-23T09:32:00.000-08:00

"How are you?"

What I say:
"Good. How are you?"

What I would say if I knew the person really wanted to know:
"Shitty. In the last six weeks, my grandma died, I was in a major car accident, a friend's 28 year old brother went to bed and didn't wake up, and just when I thought it couldn't get worse because 'that's three', my colleague and "baby brother" collapsed on his classroom floor in a seizure, fracturing his skull and is out of work for God-knows-how-long. So, now, I have to go buy a stupid new car, which I don't want because I can't afford one, nevermind that my insurance is going to go up for that new car, and my adjustors are all concerned that I don't spend money out of pocket for a stamp, but can't help the thousands of dollars I'll be out because some asshole apparently thought I was a ghost car that he could turn through, OR, like in so many other aspects of my life, I was completely invisible and he didn't see me at all. I'm also in intense physical pain following any activity other than laying down, can't turn my neck to a respectable (or safe) distance, and can't do yoga. Not only can't I do yoga, I also can't teach it, which is more money I'm out for however long, and just when I should be picking up more classes, I'm fighting to keep the ones I have. And I miss my yoga, which was my stress relief. So now, at possibly the most stressful environment I've ever been in in my life, I have no outlet.

That response seems to be just a tad too lengthy for someone who just shouts out the "how are you" in passing in the hallway. But, I don't have the energy to lie and say "Good." And I don't really care how anyone else is right now. I'm in no shape to help out anyone but me. I'm waking around in this dream state--that place where everyone seems like they're talking really loudly but they're probably not, and it's all kind of fuzzy anyway? So what I do is just stare at them and try to form an appropriate answer, but by the time I have one, they're gone without hearing me because they never really wanted to know in the first place.

So, don't ask me how I am, please...just refer to the above.

And yet, I continue to live...

2009-11-14T09:20:00.000-08:00

I have an excuse for my silence, this time. Last Sunday a guy turned left into an intersection and creamed me and the late Grand Am. I got transported to HCMC and spent about five hours in the emergency room, but fortunately I was sent home with a few bumps and bruises, an inflamed rotator cuff, and some bruised ribs.

Now, I am really, really tired of laying around. I can do things in increments, but after awhile I have to stop, and that's really annoying. The good news is that I just bought Stephen King's new book Under the Dome: A Novel.

Though it hurts my ribs to lift it, I'm delighted that I have some time now to "relax" and read it.

Welcome to November!

2009-11-04T19:18:00.000-08:00

So, this is totally selfish, but I'm going to say it anyway. There are a lot of people in my surroundings who are going through a lot of icky crap. I am happy--thrilled, even--to not be one of them. Does that make me selfish? Bitchy? Maybe...but not really. See, I'm not enjoying anyone's ill fortune--that would make me bitchy. Rather, I'm just reveling in the fact that my life is, right now, pretty damn good. So far, November is kickin'. Even though I'm not doing Nanowrimo, which I should be doing.

Whooohoooo--I'm online, baby!

2009-10-21T18:23:00.001-07:00

The editors of Bellevue Literary Review chose my story for one of the selections listed on their website!! Yippee!!! And, I'm the first listed! :-) Yeah, I'm giddy, and I have no idea how they choose the stories but I consider it the absolute highest compliment *ever* that they put me as one of the selections.

Check out my story HERE!!

And then, when you've loved my story, go out and buy the journal and read the rest of the works, both because it's a fabulous issue and because it's totally cool to support literary journals.

Ohhhhh, ohhhh I'm still alive...like Pearl Jam

2009-10-07T07:55:00.001-07:00

So, I've had a lot of death going on this week. Well...not really this week so much as yesterday. I got the double whammy yesterday when I lost two people who mattered to me. The first, my grandma, passed away at about 2:30am Tuesday morning. We'd expected it, but only since Saturday. At some point I'll talk about my experience with "saying goodbye" and "giving permission" to die...but that's not this post.

The second person actually died back in June, but I didn't find out until yesterday afternoon. Already raw from my Gram's death, when I opened the casual email from the St. Olaf education department asking for my deets so they could update their database and read their announcement of "oh, by the way, Mark Schelske died", all I could do was drop my jaw and stare at the screen. Again, at some point I'll talk about Mark and what he meant to me personally and professionally, but this is not that post.

Whenever someone dies, I become an insomniac. And not a tired insomniac, but a fully energized, no concept of time insomniac. Last night when I cracked open a diet coke and sat down to read and waste time on Facebook, it didn't even occur to me to look at the clock until the Golden Girls was over and Cheers had begun. It was 1am.

It's like I want to take over the living for those who have died. Or, like I suddenly get a shot of the reality of how little time we actually have on this Earth. Sleeping isn't a waste of time, of course, but when it's compared to death, well, I guess I feel like doing anything is better than sleeping or dying. And I wonder if the two are so connected in my head that, especially when I'm presented with death smack-dab in the face as I was yesterday, maybe I kind of feel like if I go to sleep I'm dying a little as I go.

Either way, I'm not happy to have lost two people I care about. And I'm not happy to not be sleeping (even though it's more or less my choice--I probably *could* sleep if I, you know, went to bed). So, right now, this girl isn't happy.

I think it's more "loving what you do."

2009-09-30T06:48:00.000-07:00

When I decided I wanted to leave teaching and become a funeral director, I got through the initial classes quickly, but then began to drag my feet. Because deep in my heart (and on the lips of almost everyone around me) I am a teacher. Though I may not always love teaching English, or high school, as a concept, I love to teach. And I was trying to ignore that I'd miss it, but my heart knew better.

When I became a yoga instructor, I figured I'd have the best of all worlds. I could stay a teacher but leave teaching high school English, a job often far more soul-sucking than rewarding. Plus, that adage of "Do what you love" kept dancing around in my head. Getting paid to do yoga--to teach yoga--seemed ideal.

But, I forgot about the special kind of yuck that happens when you take something you love to do and turn it into a job. I should have known--the first thing that went out the window when I became an English teacher was reading for pleasure. So, it's not much of a surprise that now that I'm teaching yoga, my practice has all but disappeared. I used to practice 5-9 times a week. Now I practice once. Tops.

So, I think it's not "do what you love" so much as "love what you do"--the oft-quoted counterpart to that familiar adage. It's a dangerous business to take your passions and turn them into work...more likely than not you'll end up with more work and fewer passions. Far better to take something that you do and learn to love it. Find the joy in how 8+ hours of the day are spent...even if it's not necessarily what you would choose to do. And, if it is, if you're one of the lucky ones, appreciate that all the more.

It's official!

2009-09-26T16:31:00.000-07:00

"To The River" has been introduced to the world. My baby, which began as a writing exercise in a writing group, has gone through its paces and is now primed and ready to meet you, dear reader. I am so, so proud of myself, and so, so thankful to ALL of the people that had a hand in this story coming to fruition.

Bellevue Literary Review, Fall 2009

This image took just over five years to create. Pretty, isn't it?

End of week 1, a check in on "the list"

2009-09-12T19:53:00.001-07:00

Last week, as I approached the beginning of a new school year, I made "the list"--a promise to myself to have a good year and a list of ways to make that happen. So, how did I do this week?

1. I will take care of my body. I will eat nutritionally and go to bed at a reasonable hour. I will not take naps, rather I’ll do energizing activities like cleaning or walking or running.

I didn't eat out even once this week. Well, I did tonight, but it's Saturday. I only ate breakfast once and my dinners were pretty unbalanced, but I think I did a good job with lunch. I avoided the cafeteria and ate every day. I need to work on my diet coke consumption (less of it) and on the going to bed part. I didn't take any naps--but I need to go to bed earlier. I went to bed between 10pm and midnight, and I definitely noticed that I was more tired the later I went to bed.

2. I will manage my time. My time is precious, and I shouldn’t waste it. I need to use it doing activities that I enjoy and that help me relax. And I need to remember that Facebook and computer games are nice but they aren’t mentally stimulating or a good use of time. I will limit my use of the computer games.

Um...I'm overextended. You knew this. Everyone knows this except me (but I do know it, I just don't like thinking about it). Teaching 5 yoga classes a week, teaching high school full time, taking a college class...and trying to eat, sleep, and exercise is a LOT. I'm starting to think about some choices I'll need to make soon--what I can let go. But, this week I did a pretty good job with staying off of the computer games and keeping my TV off when I'm supposed to be sleeping. I'm taking steps in the right direction.

3. I will continue a regular yoga practice. I will practice 2-3 times a week, balancing C1 and C2 classes, as well as my class at Sigh.

This one is tough. I'm doing 2 classes a week, max, because that's all I have time for. And they're C2s. I took a C1 today as part of yogi training and I was reminded how much I absolutely *love* taking the C1s. I also need to pull back on "donating" my time to CorePower. I love to help out--I do--and when I'm asked by Lisa or other teachers to assist with training programs or classes, my first instinct is to say "absolutely!" because I'm so thankful for all they did for me and I want to give back. But, I can't get into a position where I'm donating more time than I can afford. I'll get back to Sigh when yogi training is over.

4. I will not take my work home with me. I cannot let negative experiences or negative people have control over how I live my life. I don’t have a choice about working with them, but I do have a choice about how I let them impact my post-work day.

I've done well here; I really have. I'm so happy in my new office, and I'm trying to be positive in my interactions at work. When I leave at the end of the day, I leave work at work. I do catch myself thinking/complaining about work, of course, but when I do, I do the same thing as in a yoga practice--acknowledge it and then let it go. I'm very proud of myself here.

5. I will plan ahead. I need to be aware of events and plan accordingly. Doing things “on the fly” is stressful for me, so I need to stop doing that!

Um...again, not so good. Not awful, but not great. I'll need to sacrifice some time (ha, because I have so much!) to regroup here and get my stuff for work planned out.

6. I need to let go. When things don’t go my way, or someone yells at me or is disrespectful, I need to handle it, then let it go.

Yes. I've done well here too. And this isn't at work, this is everywhere. A guy who took my yoga class last night told me my music made his spine hurt. Rather than change my music or let it wreck my night, I told him I was sorry the music had affected him that way and then I went on with my night. When it popped into my head, I remembered a woman who, just a few days ago, told me she absolutely loved my music. Good with the bad--must remember.

All in all, I think I'm doing well. This is a big list, and there are a lot of issues within it. But, I've got a good handle on what I need to continue to work on, and I'll continue to appreciate the things I'm doing well.

School days, school days, dear old golden rule days....

2009-09-07T19:35:00.001-07:00

Tomorrow is the big day. I've got my lunch packed, my school bag ready by the door, and my "first day of school" outfit laid out. Ahh...back to the routine.

I'm surprisingly not upset about going back. Last year at this time, I was fairly certain that it was my last "first day". Now, a year of life, work, and yoga later, I'm more willing to go with the flow. It may be my last first day--maybe not.

Whatever happens, I'm committed to my list. Going to bed early tonight on freshly laundered sheets, a good night's sleep, then tomorrow I tackle the youth of America one mind at a time.

Wish me luck. :-)

Promises to myself for a successful school year

2009-08-30T17:37:00.000-07:00

I made this list so that I can guide myself through a better year than those I've had in the past. I always make plans, but this is the first time I've written it down. Hopefully I'll be able to stick with the "plan" and be successful.

1. I will take care of my body. I will eat nutritionally and go to bed at a reasonable hour. I will not take naps, rather I’ll do energizing activities like cleaning or walking or running.

2. I will manage my time. My time is precious, and I shouldn’t waste it. I need to use it doing activities that I enjoy and that help me relax. And I need to remember that Facebook and computer games are nice but they aren’t mentally stimulating or a good use of time. I will limit my use of the computer games.

3. I will continue a regular yoga practice. I will practice 2-3 times a week, balancing C1 and C2 classes, as well as my class at Sigh.

4. I will not take my work home with me. I cannot let negative experiences or negative people have control over how I live my life. I don’t have a choice about working with them, but I do have a choice about how I let them impact my post-work day.

5. I will plan ahead. I need to be aware of events and plan accordingly. Doing things “on the fly” is stressful for me, so I need to stop doing that!

6. I need to let go. When things don’t go my way, or someone yells at me or is disrespectful, I need to handle it, then let it go.

My week:

2009-08-28T09:04:00.000-07:00

A baby bird--sparrow, robin, you pick--is hanging out in its nest really happy and comforted. Mom is away grabbing food, squawking at other birds, you pick. While Mom is away, another bird visits and says "Hey, Baby Bird, your mom has moved to a different nest. Sorry about that." Another well-intentioned Momma Bird brings some food so Baby Bird won't go hungry. And Baby Bird eats, but the food tastes like crap because it's not Mom's food. The other Momma Bird doesn't know that Baby Bird likes her worms cut up diagonally, kind of chewed up first, and served in a very specific way. And Baby Bird cries because she knows that she'll never get her worms fed to her in quite the same way as Mom fed them to her ever again.

Baby Bird doesn't know if she should stay in this Nest of Betrayal or jump out and try to find her Mom's new nest. Mom isn't dead, thank goodness, she's just inaccessible. But Baby Bird stands at the edge of the nest and it's a loooooooooooong way down. And she knows that she needs to stay where she is. So she lays at the edge of the nest and she cries and cries and cries, for days. She sends a Friend Bird with a message to her Mom. "Why did you leave?" And she waits, and she cries, and she waits and cries. Other birds watch and shake their little bird heads. They don't get it--their Moms flew away and they're fine, it's how the natural order of things works, after all!

And then, Friend Bird comes with a message from Mom! Baby Bird chirps and chirps and chirps, Mom didn't leave...she got kicked out of the nest too. But it's all okay, Mom says, because soon Baby Bird will be grown up enough to leave the nest and when she is, they can get together for, you know, worm-coffee and worm-cocktails. And though nothing will be the same, it's not the ending that Baby Bird thought it would be. And Baby Bird is so happy...still sad in the loss of what was--but, as the other birds have said, it's the natural order. Things change, and Baby Bird can fight it or learn to accept it.

So Baby Bird spends a little more time on the edge of the nest--but now she's looking out rather than down. She knows eventually she'll need to jump, and she better know the lay of the land before she flies away.

How do you stop choking?

2009-08-26T22:19:00.000-07:00

So, it all came to a head today with bad news part deux...less than a year after the Carina the Chiropractor debacle, I showed up at my chiropractor/physical therapy appointment to the following conversation:

Jana (receptionist): Oh, and I should tell you, Jannel isn't here.
Me: Oh, okay. (Thinking she must be sick, sadness!)
Jana: Like, not here at all, like she's gone. She doesn't work here anymore.

And then I got this weird feeling in my stomach and in my jaw and in, like, the bottom part of my head where my dreams come from. And for a moment I really did think I was dreaming--because it couldn't POSSIBLY happen exactly the same way twice, right? I couldn't lose two kind of important people in my life from the same clinic in the same way, with them both being there one day and gone the next? Could it?

But yes, it could, and I cried the rest of the day.

So, I head to yogi training a little, shall we say...raw. I took a yoga class from one of my favorite teachers before it started, and cried during that. Then we set up yogi training and I managed to hold it together for most of the time.

Until I figured out the choking. I've been unhappy for a few weeks. Not, like, clinically depressed or anything, but not too far from there. Mostly my concern was that I couldn't pinpoint what was making me feel so awful all the time. But, I think that what I've done is started to choke. I did yoga teacher training from Feb-April. From May-June I did the yoga extensions program. From July-August I interned at the yoga studio and started teaching at the Hotel Ivy Spa. Now, still August, I'm in yogi training until the middle of September. And I think what I've done is crammed all of this yoga, yoga, yoga into my throat and, well, I'm starting to choke on it.

Choking explains why it's been so hard for me to put anything into words lately. I've been just stymied by explaining the simplest things. And forget about writing. Yeah, this little published author can't put pen to paper for shit. But, it makes some sense if I'm choking--nothing can get out! No air, no breath, no words. I've got my hands around my own throat and I'm making it worse, not better.

So I need to clear my throat. Or Heimlich myself. The question is, how to do that? And, with my supportive Jannel gone, at least for me, it's harder, I'm not going to lie. I depend so much on other people--probably more than I should. And because of that, I'm almost always disappointed. If I waited for someone else to Heimlich me, I'd probably choke to death. So, I need to take care of it myself. Like usual. Because who can I depend on besides myself?

And a part of me wants to stay awake all night, because a part of me wants to sleep and wake up to find out Jannel leaving is a bad dream. But the reality is that it wasn't a dream and I'm a little afraid of how I'll be tomorrow when I wake up and don't even have the possibilities of a dream to cling to.

Exhaustion makes a girl crabby

2009-08-23T20:11:00.000-07:00

This weekend was full--and by full I mean FUUULLLLLLL--of yoga. Basically two days, six hours a day of yoga talk, practice, and analysis. Yesterday at the end of the day I was sore and tired. Today, at the weekend's conclusion, I am hurting and exhausted.

And crabby. Man oh man, am I breathing fire. Poor Gatsby has been on the receiving end of some of it (though I've managed to not victimize him too much, remembering he's only a puppy and I am his entire world--he missed me today, is all) but it's raised an interesting point for me.

I've never really connected my exhaustion with my crabbiness like this before. I spent the weekend doing something I love to do and wouldn't have changed a minute of it. So why Queen Crabby Pants? Because I'm tired. So, I started to think today--I spend most of the school year being completely exhausted. And crabby. Methinks the two may be connected? Hmmmmmmm? And, if the exhaustion comes first and leads to crabbiness, and the crabbiness leads to more exhaustion and more crabbiness, then maybe the slippery cycle of school year ickiness starts with me?

So... my plan for the school year (who am I kidding--let's start with September) is to make sure I sleep at least seven hours a night. That's what I get during the summer, though I'm quite inactive and tend to nap, so maybe I should shoot for 8 hours... but we'll do 7 to start. That's opposed to my normal...ahem...5 hours. Sometimes less.

Should be an interesting experiment...

Dude, it's finally happening...

2009-08-21T15:12:00.000-07:00

A year ago, I wrote the following on MinnesotaReads:

If your favorite author came to Minnesota, who would it be and what bar would you take him/her to?

If Stephen King came to Minnesota, after I picked myself up off of the floor and reassembled myself into a solid, I would bring him to Stella’s Fish Cafe in Minneapolis. Good food (though he’d probably scorn our “fresh” lobster) and a great view of the skyline. King is, of course, familiar with the Twin Cities, so he may have his own ideas on where he’d like to go!

Jodi has just informed me that my hero, my inspiration, and someone I'm sure I could never actually meet because I would have a stroke, anurysm, heart attack, complete freakout and die before I could shake his hand IS COMING TO MINNESOTA.

I'm dying. Surely this is me, dying.

Attention whores and their audiences

2009-08-13T09:52:00.000-07:00

I can, right this second, name at least ten attention whores. Some are people I know, and others are those celebrity types whose names have become synonymous with whoredom in several senses of the word.

Either way, I'm sick of it.

Now, I realize the fact that I'm sharing this irritation on my own, personal, self-indulgent blog does allow a certain level of irony to taint my message, but I don't care.

But here's the thing--it's not the "news sharing" that bothers me. It's not the new jobs, or the status updates about relationships, or the "here's how my day is going" posts. Truely, it's not. In fact, I've been able to get back in touch with a number of old friends and I really enjoy knowing what they're doing. Where the problem comes, though, is the motive.

Exhibit A:
Girl is having a terrible day and announces it on Facebook. Girl doesn't really want you to know she's having a terrible day. Girl is an attention whore and is certain that by telling the world she's having a terrible day that millions of "awww, so sorry" comments will roll in, thereby feeding her whoredom. And, they are.

Exhibit B:
Guy updates a new job and a new relationship on Facebook. Guy is involved in a completely salacious relationship in the workplace. Guy doesn't need to post WHO the relationship is with, but he does because he's insecure and needs the world to know that he's in a relationship. Same with the job. He's dancing around (virtually) singing "Look at me, look at me, I have a great new job and a great new girlfriend and my life is sooooo incredibly awesome! Please tell me how incredibly awesome my life is!! Please!! Please?"

I've decided that the best--nay, the ONLY--way to deal with these whores is to ignore them. Block them, defriend them...take away the fuel for their fires. The trouble is, there are far too many attention whores out there in the world, and I'm only one person...

Some things on my mind: a random list

2009-08-10T17:07:00.000-07:00

1. I need to blog more often. I used to blog every day. Sometimes multiple times a day! Surely I have not run out of important things to tell the faceless masses? (Not that you, dear reader, are a faceless mass. You are an individual--unique and loved by me.)

2. Julie and Julia is a damn good movie. And, there was no better movie for me (a writer) and my best friend (a cook) to see together.

3. I need to get back to doing yoga. Seriously. I haven't done yoga in, roughly, 20 days. Which is about 20 days too many to be yoga-less.

4. Anna Karenina is a really good book! I'm totally digging it.

5. Melissa d'Arabian's new cooking show, Ten Dollar Dinners, would be a whole heck of a lot more awesome if she actually showed that the dinners actually cost ten dollars. Like, she says that the meal will feed a family of four for under ten bucks. But then she just shows how to cook something, and I'm thinking "Um...there's not a chance in the world that all cost less than ten bucks!" Or, if there IS a chance in the world, then show me. If you're going to have a show where budgeting and saving is an integral part of the show...um...mention it.

If a picture is worth a thousand words...

2009-07-31T21:42:00.000-07:00

then I'm one hell of a writer.

I just got home from getting some photographs developed at Walgreens. And by "some photographs", I mean 290 pictures. No, I didn't get married or go on some fancy-schmancy trip. Rather, I just got a bug up my arse tonight to finally go through and make real the virtual history I've been cataloging on my computer in the "my pictures" file.

For example: The only picture I have in "hard copy" of my dog is one that my dad, a professional photographer, took. The dog is three years old.

The 290 pictures include:

Yoga fun night
Pictures of Gatsby the Wonder Dog
My mom's 60th birthday
"Girls' Night" 2006 (yeah, that's the right date.)
Yoga graduation
Superior camping trip 2008

And there are other events too. It's so nice to have pictures to look at, physically, of events as recent as just a few months ago. And, the best part is I got coupons (because I paid someone's salary for the whole night in one fell swoop with my order), so now I can go through and get even more :-)

Sidelined! (and a confession)

2009-07-25T23:44:00.000-07:00

Well, my body is finally starting to rebel against the insane amounts of yoga I've been enjoying. For the foreseeable future, I'm banned from practicing vinyasa yoga. No chaturanga, no downward facing dog, no inversions, no crow. I'm not happy about it, of course, but I don't really have anyone to blame but myself. And, until my wrist stabilizes and my bicep tendon stops...doing whatever it's doing that's causing me blinding pain from time to time, I'm going to need to explore other endeavours.

And the confession? Sometimes, despite all my verbal and textual evidence to the contrary, I really do want a boyfriend.

Why grandparents are super-duper nifty:

2009-07-12T13:37:00.000-07:00

Conversation from our visit yesterday, where I began the morning by running my first 5K, then riding in the car with my parents to their nursing home without taking a shower.

Grandpa: Wow, you're looking really sharp!
Me: (laughing) Thanks! I ran a race this morning.
Grandpa: Did you win?
Me: Nope, I came in three-hundred-something.
Grandpa: What an athlete!

He also, throughout the day, said that I was cute, and that anyone who made fun of me for not being married yet "can go to hell."

There is a type of person who can find exactly the right way to build your self-esteem in the least amount of conceivable time. My grandparents are of this type.

RIP, Mr. Michael Jackson

2009-07-07T19:28:00.000-07:00

Is there anything that demonstrates the importance of funerals more than today?

For the last 15 years, Michael Jackson has been the butt of jokes, the source of an endless list of derogatory nicknames, and the subject of more insulting words than anyone else not convicted of terroristic threats on the United States. He has been accused of unimaginable crimes, and though he was acquitted in a court of law, he was convicted and condemned by the media and a public that is quick to judge and long to forgive.

With his death a few weeks ago, the world came to something of a standstill and divided itself into three camps: "I Love Michael", "I Hate Michael" and "I Don't Give a Shit About Michael, Get Back to the News." The "I Don't Give a Shit" folks have gone about their business with little more than a sigh and a shake of the head when MJ is mentioned, his song is played...again...on the radio, or an argument between the first two groups takes place. The conflict between the Lovers and Haters has been something of a...spectacle. So to speak.

I'm fascinated by Michael Jackson. Absolutely fascinated. I loved him when I was young, wondered about him when I was a teenager, and he fell off my radar through most of my twenties...except for the occasional tune where I would remember my youth fondly and think "man, he's one hell of a musician." And yeah, I heard the bad stuff too. The allegations, the bizarre behaviors...and of course I saw his face, right? But what a fascinating, unique, tragic, gifted man. There has never been, nor will there ever be, another soul like him in the universe.

Michael Jackson is (was) a walking, talking representation of the ugliest parts of our society. Who cares if you're brilliant? If you changed the face of music? If you singlehandedly broke a color barrier stronger and higher than the Berlin Wall? If you sacrificed your childhood, your very life, to provide music and joy to the world? And yes, you got paid...but not nearly what it cost. We hear that you slept in bed with a boy. Villian. Nevermind that you never had a childhood. Nevermind that you were famous, almost literally, from the moment of your birth until the moment of your death, and the psychological ramifications of that. Nevermind that the people who accused him of molesting their children decided to take a cash settlement instead of seeking "justice"--how much is your kid worth? I'm not saying he didn't do anything wrong--maybe he did. Maybe he molested kids all over the place. But, if he did, well, he certainly left the world far more than most other child molesters do.

Back to the funeral, though, and the importance of memorializing our dead. What an opportunity. Did you know that Magic Johnson ate fried chicken with Michael Jackson? There is nothing more beautiful, most poetic, than laughter of joy at a funeral. All of the memories that were shared brought the world back to the "old" Michael--the Michael we all fell in love with, who changed our world, and who disappeared (or got stuffed away) behind a freakish mask of solitude as the world decided they didn't need him anymore. The fact that SO MANY musicians and other celebrities came out to share their memories of Michael Jackson, to laugh and cry together, and that somehow his daughter, Paris, still managed to see enough of the real man in her father to be simply devastated... well, that speaks far louder to me than an accusation from over a decade ago. And was it a spectacle? Of course. He's always been a spectacle; we made him that way, and we wouldn't have it any differently.

The Haters--they can go ahead and hate. The Lovers know that Michael is okay with that--he always has been.

AND, she teaches yoga!

2009-07-04T07:26:00.000-07:00

After a week of settling in at the yoga studio, I've officially gotten myself a few classes. I'm teaching at the Minnetonka CorePower on Mondays at 1:30 and at the Uptown CorePower on Thursdays at 2pm. I'm also subbing for several classes this next week--the first of which is today.

I feel like I should be *insanely* nervous about teaching today. But, the truth is, this is what I've been waiting for. I've gone back and forth on whether or not I wanted to teach yoga since January--sometimes it's what I want to do for a full time career, other days I decide that it's just going to be a good way to deepen my practice. Clearly, though, as Lisa once told me, I'm "being called to teach." Again. Called to teach English, called to teach yoga...apparently, no matter how I slice it, I'm a teacher.

When I teach today, it'll be just like my first day back in Montgomery ten years ago. When I stood in front of the room without a cooperating teacher or a supervisor. The responsibility is all mine. It's nerve wracking, sure, but it's also my next step. I have to get through the nerves, get through the unknown, and step through to the other side.

So, if you want to come keep me company on Mondays and/or Thursdays, please do!! CorePower offers a free week of unlimited yoga when you make your initial visit. It's a generous offer and I guarantee your mind and body will thank you!

And at the end of the day, I got the job

2009-06-25T14:56:00.000-07:00

I began yoga teacher training at CorePower Yoga on February 4th, 2009. A little over 4 months later, I got word yesterday that I was accepted as an intern for CPY. Though I was guarded at the beginning about what my end goals were and the goals changed a billion times over the four months, ultimately I think I always wanted to be in this place. There are so many amazing teachers at CorePower, and the time I have spent in the various studios around the city has been invaluable to my overall health. I want to give back to this community that has given me so much.

This has been a long road...and now the journey truly begins, as I work to become an experienced teacher one class at a time. I've been down that particular path before--and man was I a disaster my first few times in a classroom! And I will be here too, sometimes, but I'll also have many of the same successes I had that kept me in teaching.

I don't have an official schedule quite yet, but when I do I invite you all to come and take a class with me! It will be an honor to practice with you.