Okay, I just got home from class and I'm feeling slightly more human. Energized, even. There were only about 11 people there tonight so I didn't have to fight to speak and I actually ended up saying stuff. How intelligent it sounded I have no idea, but at least I got some words out there. I always feel bad when I don't participate because I do have things to say, I'm just not always aggressive enough to get myself in there.
I've decided to stop dwelling on my family and on the people I dislike at school and focus on writing, writing group, class (even though it only goes for two more weeks, bleh) and happier things. I was in such a good mood when I left for Vegas and I can't let the "post Vegas depression" wreck me. Spring break, the weather, Vegas and my grandma have combined into this tornado of emotion that leaves me crabby, exhausted and probably not all that fun to be around.
Spending time with M has been interesting. We're both trying to be so damn civilized around eachother, and I'm sure if someone who knew the situation watched us interact it would be non-stop comedy. The basic breakdown is that we worked together five years ago, slept together, then he left MN and moved away. He came back this year and by some twist of the fates we ended up in a team teaching position, making it impossible for us to ignore eachother which is what we had both decided to do. But today he made a gesture, which he never would have made before, to try to understand where I was coming from with another colleague. He took my side, also something he would never have done before.
I am so rambling right now. Wow. Yeah, get two beers in me and suddenly I'm Chatty Cathy. I caught part of Oprah today because Linda Hamilton was on. I modeled my entire plan for my adult life after Catherine on 'Beauty and the Beast.' Linda is bipolar. Hearing her talk about her experiences with cocaine, drugs, hallucinations, etc. was surreal to me. I'm thinking now that maybe she wanted to be Catherine too. I remember reading that she smoked and I thought that was the most terrible thing. HA!
Oh, and by the way, I can't smoke anywhere anymore and I'm irritated by that. I know it's for my own good, but damn, man, smoking brings people together. It's not the nicotine, it's the socialization! (Yeah, that is the biggest excuse you've read all year and I don't care.)
That is all.