Sunday, August 21, 2005

21 hours, 8 minutes, several seconds and some thoughts

...Until I have to be at school. Classes actually start in 21 hours 43 minute and several seconds.

I started working on Grammar stuff last night, a new course I'm teaching that has left me holding my head and wishing I'd taught Math instead. I know. And I'm only slightly exaggerating.

I'm struggling with trying to prepare myself in life for how I KNOW things are going to happen. There's always a small part of me that holds out hope that I'll be wrong, and that's the part I cling to. But then, even though the REAL RESULT is staring me in the face I'm still hoping someone will come along and make me wrong.

For example.

Situation: I found out at the beginning of August that I'd be teaching this new class. The other person who teaches the class has taught it for a long time and has a TON of stuff with it. Now I, who has no stuff, needs to teach the class.

What I knew was going to happen: That she'd send me a bunch of stuff, let me copy anything I needed, and generally give me any paper materials that I could ask for......but no explanation on how to teach the class. I imagined the words "the class will be easy, just use my stuff" coming out of her mouth. The problem is that trying to use someone elses materials for a class is like trying to build a rocket with all of the materials and no instructions or verbal help. Possible, technically, but a million times as hard.

What I wanted to happen: Her to say "hey, I know you're in a tough spot teaching this class and I appreciate you not complaining about it" (to her...I complained to Erica, my parents, and Jessie ad nauseum). Let's hook up for an hour or so this week and we can go through some stuff to make it as easy as possible.

See, I KNEW the first one was going to happen when I first found out I was teaching the class. But I still held out hope, all the way until, frankly, now, where the small part of me who was holding out hope has now moved to complete denial.

The second example is Belize. I knew in my head that the worst case senario (and the one that would probably happen) would be five of my personal days and three days without pay, but I still held out hope that my school would be slightly understanding. I was WAY OFF in anyone being happy for me. I thought my department would be excited, that other teachers would think it was cool and congratulate me. Some of my department members have been happy, but when I say some I mean two. Somewhere in the gossip mill this honor I've received at being accepted into a writing program has turned into a vacation to Belize, that the school is practically paying for, blah blah. People in my own department are making comments, "I can't believe they're letting you go" and "Oh yeah, gee struggling with sub plans, you poor thing."

Okay, that's too upsetting to talk about anymore.
I think the problem is that I'm smart enough to project forward and see how situations will end up, but not smart enough to listen to myself and protect myself. I KNOW how things will go but I think I expect people to do more to help me out than I should. I don't know why people should help me out; I'm really not all that helpful to others, I guess.

Oh well. Now it's 20 hours, 49 minutes and several seconds until I have to be there. You want to do something depressing, go here and watch the minutes of your life slowly tick away.


Nance Knauer said...

i would imagine the first time you teach a class would be hard no matter what. i can see where you'd be a little freaked right now.

and speaking of freaked, that time/date site is great!!

kim said...

I once heard that lobsters in a barrel will pull down another lobster about to escape...sooooooo you work with lobsters!
: )