A non-literary post

The last time I wrote something non-book related was on Sunday while in the midst of panic attacks. Fortunately they did not continue past Sunday, and I thought that it would be prudent to write something else. Anything else.

So I'm going to write about my friends. Not specifically, but in general.

I've reached a point in my life where I've decided to stop having one-sided friendships. My whole life I have had friendships where the amount of energy I expended to maintain the relationship was a) greater than the benefit I got out of the relationship and b) more significant than the energy expended by the other person. This type of behavior comes from my perfectionism and my only-childness, I think, in that it's difficult for me to acknowledge "failure" in a relationship.

But, now that I have several friendships where the give and take is equal, I'm finding the value of a real and true friendship. Where both of us give and receive equally, and I don't feel like I'm giving more or working harder. These are amazing friendships.

My struggle now is to hold myself accountable, and to not fall into the trap of my past again. I recently lost a relationship due to bad timing. I liked this person very much, and when we decided that a friendship was how we wanted to define our relationship, I was happy. But, after a few days of emailing back and forth, this person stopped communicating. My heart tells me to email, to call, to do something to "save" the friendship. And a few years ago, I would have done that. But, I know now that it's a lot easier for people to say they want to be friends than to show it, and no amount of work from my end will "force" this person to want to be friends with me.

So I go on. I know, I'm such a girl. But this is something I've been thinking about. I am who I am.