Kind of a hodgepog of thoughts today, things that have been swirling in my head all week but since I was struck down by the plague/hanta virus I was unable to gather the energy and motivation to write.
I've decided that part of the reason why my work days are a struggle is because of my lack of media. I've been bringing my ipod in and tuning out the world during the brief times during the day I'm alone, and it's amazing what a good five minute music reprieve can do for my mood. It shouldn't surprise me; music has always been a huge thing for me, influencing my moods for the positive or letting me wallow in the negative if I felt like it. Jodi is so vocal about her musical working environment I really should have realized it earlier, but I'm glad I finally figured it out.
I have a new crush. This is monumental, not just because crushes are damn fun, but because the excitement of a new crush is the fastest way to mending a broken heart. My new crush is a writer, breathtakingly handsome, and just quiet and shy enough that when he talks to me and looks me in the eye I feel like we have stolen each other for the time being. His writing is incredible, some of the best I've read in a long time, and talking to him reminds me that when my ex gave me a rough equivalent of "it's not you, it's me," he was right.
This does not stop me from dreaming about the ex, though. Last night I dreamed that we went out in a group for the first time since we ended the friendship part of our relationship. He had long hair, and was supremely good looking. It was awkward, though, and I was also with another ex and several mutual friends that were trying to make things as un-awkward as possible. We ate pizza and drank beer.
My nightmare....well, it was scary, but not in the adreneline scary, scary in the sense that I don't know where it came from. Jodi and I are huge believers in the fact that no one cares about a dream more than the dreamer, but I'm going to write about this anyway. Not in full detail, though, because I still fear that my students will stumble on this at some point and call me out.
In my nightmare I was raped by the Candyman. The Candyman of horror movies, with the bees coming out of his mouth. He abducted me and my friend Erica and he tied a bag over my head and put me in his bathroom while he went and dealt with Erica. I looked for a way to escape but I didn't dare. He came in and I managed to convince him that I would willingly have sex with him if he was gentle. He was huge, and it hurt a lot, and he had open sores all over his penis. When he finished, it flowed out of him for several minutes, wouldn't stop, and then my parents showed up at the house and Erica and I weren't allowed to say that we had been raped. I then met Ex and others for pizza and beer and it drifted into my other dream.
The scary part is that I went through the whole rape, and like I said I left out details. I have no idea where that came from. The nearest I can figure is that my mind and my emotions are so screwed up right now that I'm going to the extreme of possibility because I have nowhere else to go. Bizarre....and yeah, too much information. Sorry.