Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Out of nowhere...or maybe not

Today at lunch I innocently opened a wrapped chocolate treat from a box left for us in the lunch room. Fine chocolates from Italy. Who know Italy made fine chocolate? Well, they don't. The chocolate sucked.

In addition to sucky chocolate, the people of Italy also decided to include a fortune. My "fortune" is as follows:

Love me because without you I can do nothing, I am nothing.

What kind of co-dependent shit is that? In five different languages, no less. Italy can kiss my ass.

Today I am feeling not as strong as usual. I'm feeling weak and weepy and like I just want someone to love me. Sometimes I get tired of being the "strong single woman." This weakness is entirely my own fault because I allowed myself to indulge too much the other night in the idea that an exboyfriend of mine would change his mind. That he would realize what a good and loving person I am and decide that he made a mistake by leaving me. Staying too long in this universe of dream is a mistake.

I try to think of being single like being an only child. It is what I am. When I used to dream of having a sibling, she was a little sister who would look up to me, admire me, and who I would play with and get along with. We would grow up together and support each other as adults, best friends. But who's to say that's how it would turn out? Maybe my sister and I would hate each other. Maybe being an only is the best thing for me. Similarily, when I think of being married and sharing my life with someone, my relationship is a good one. My husband doesn't cheat on me, and we are best friends. We are a cute couple, one that other people smile when they think of because they're happy we found each other.

Who says this is the way it would be? Maybe I'd marry an asshole. I've certainly dated enough of them. In fact, the chances of my marrying a jerk are pretty good.

So today I'm sad.

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