I made a difficult decision while I was out running tonight. I am not going to run the half marathon this weekend.
I proved with the Belize jump my ability to put myself into life-threatening situations that I am not physically or mentally prepared for. I was fortunate enough to have someone there to (literally) hold my hand. No one will be able to carry me across the finish line but me.
More importantly, I have run nearly 60 miles so far this summer, and over 100 since January, even with time out for a foot injury. I should be extremely proud of that. Before I made running a half my goal, I was proud of every single mile I ran. When I ran my first mile without stopping to walk, I celebrated. When I hit 3 miles, I celebrated. When I ran 6 miles, I celebrated a LOT. Since I started training for the half, though, every mile I've run has turned into a disappointment. Not good enough. I did not start running to be a racer. I didn't even have a marathon in my mind. I wanted to run to be healthy. I have achieved that, have turned running into a lifestyle, and that's something that I should feel good about when I think of it, not feel like I'm not doing a good enough job.
I don't feel like a failure in this, though some people may see it that way. I will run a half marathon at some point in the future, but I don't want to hurt myself or take away from my enjoyment of running by rushing into something that should be taken extremely seriously.