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Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Summer Madness

I turn into a different person during the summer. I think it's all the unstructured time...that and that I spend nine months out of the year being more high strung than a Wall Street stock broker. When June rolls around I find it difficult to care about much of anything. This doesn't decrease my activity level; I still accomplish tasks, I read a lot and basically do the things I want to do, but suddenly "big important issues" don't really matter and when I get questioned about things I tend to feel backed into a corner and I get really defensive.

This can catch people off guard; especially people who only have known me during the school year or people with whom I don't spend a lot of time. I also have to remember that while I tend to slow down, summer is a very busy time for most other people and so while I'm basking in "no stress" they're simmering in "high stress." The summer is not a good time to be a teacher because everyone hates you. Everyone wishes they could be a teacher so they could have their summers off (said as snidely as possible), and I want to say "Hey, fine, go be a teacher. You'll earn your summer off. Put in your time first, though, and you'll find that teaching isn't a cake job."

The other interesting part of my evening was that a friend asked me a question that made me think. She asked "what would embarass you?". This question is apparently akin to the question "what kind of guy are you attracted to?" because I really have to answer them the same way...there isn't any solid answer. What embarasses me? Well, it depends on who is around. If it's a room full of strangers, I could care less. That's how I was able to compete in speech for 10 years (but would never allow my parents to watch me perform). If a guy I like is around, the tendency is there for me to embarass easier, but not necessairly. I might take it as the opportunity to show self-confidence. Either way, I've spent so much of my life being embarassed by absolutely everything that I truly think I've exhausted the feeling. I really just don't care. Interesting question, though, because I haven't thought about that shift in me.

Same with guys. What's my type? Hell if I know. Right now I've got my eyes on three people, all of whom are unavailable. Two are teachers, physically opposite eachother, one is sort of grunge/alternative, the other is J Crew preppy. One plays guitar the other golfs. The third is a restuarant owner and a decent meld of the other two physically, but is just far enough outside my age range and interests that I don't see anything working. About the only thing that they all have in common is that they're authoritative. That's not exactly a good trait to isolate and look for in a guy.

And why do I care? Maybe that's my ultimate embarassment factor...that in spite of being attractive, successful, funny, employed, financially stable, child free, disease free, on and on, I'm still unable to find anyone who wants to marry me. Or date me. Or sleep with me for that matter. And while I joke about it (536 days since the last time I had sex and counting, ha ha ha) it really isn't funny. And I think I'd care a lot less if everyone else around me cared a lot less. And all the marrieds out there who are my age are the most freakishly annoying group in the world. "Oh, you'll find someone." "You just have to stop looking and he'll appear." "It's just not the right time." "You don't want to settle." Seriously, people. I may not find someone. I've tried looking, not looking, pretending to look, and every combination possible. He hasn't appeared. The right time?? Don't want to settle? Maybe I do. Frankly, if it'll get the marrieds off my back I'd be willing to consider it.

Except...

The nagging suspicion I have that the marrieds are jealous. Because it's only the unhappy marrieds that taunt my single status and try to get me hooked up. I know happy marrieds and other singles that genuinely try to help me out--offer to set me up, etc.--because they care and they want me to be happy. The unhappy marrieds want someone else to share in their misery and can't stand the thought that if they were in my shoes they'd be happy.

So what's the answer? Again, hell if I know. I've done the meet-and-greets, blind dates, dating at work, taking classes, internet dating (high price membership, middle of the line and bargin basement), and if he's out there, this girl hasn't met him yet. B

ut it's all good, because in the summer, I'm relaxed. Chilled. Unphasable. In September I'll worry about all that crap; it'll still be there.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

536 days? You must be kidding, dahling. I'm not sure if you're complaining, or if so, about what?

Mixing up the sex and marriage issues doesn't work. Not sure you're doing that in your head, but it looks that way on the blog.

If it's sex you want, then why not post on craigslist or nerve.com for a playmate? There's loads of actually really decent guys to hook up with. You email for a while, then maybe have coffee, and then go from there. No strings, no complications. You can always say no.

As for marriage - well, work on the LTR first.

--Dierdre

Kelly said...

Hmm. Spoken like a true married.
Thanks for the tips, and for proving my point.

Dave Clapper said...

Speaking as a no longer unhappy married (no longer unhappy and no longer married), I think you're onto something about the unhappy married's. Don't listen to 'em. Because unhappy marriage? Sucks. Picture that 536 days without sex WHILE YOU'RE WITH SOMEONE. Fun, huh?

YouKnowMe said...

Yeah, I'd like to apologize for hooking you up with the guy that couldn't close the deal. What a loser. lol