Monday, February 13, 2006

Scenes from Cub Foods

Monday night is not the night to go to the grocery store. I've found Saturday nights to be particularly harmonious, where the customers are mostly single dateless people like myself.
I'd like to offer some tips to the shoppers at the grocery store tonight.

1. To the guy who revved his engine as I waited for him to zoom past so I begin my walk through the parking lot, I'm sorry. I swore at you under my breath, but what I should have done is take it as a portent. Had I listened to you, I could have avoided the store all together tonight.

2. To the guy who let his 2 year old daughter carry the basket down the middle of the dairy aisle, please understand that for you this is adorable and probably picture worthy. For the rest of us, she's potential roadkill. And I know you were stunned when you took the basket away and she burst into tears and began to wail, but the rest of us were not. Hint: if she doesn't know carrying the basket is an option, she won't freak out when you don't allow it.

3. Hey, family of five that moved as an amoeba through each aisle, knock that off. Or move for passersby. We don't all need to be on your schedule. Some of us are able to choose our canned goods without evoking parlimentary procedure.

4. To the woman who had her cheeks bulging with food as she walked through the aisles. You, my dear friend, have no idea how disgusting that looks. You couldn't have, or you'd be mortified. And just a word of warning: in a restuarant, people pay attention to someone who is choking, because everyone is eating. In a grocery store, your hands waving wildly in the air may be construed a happy moment over a coupon discovery.

5. And finally, to the white jeep that almost hit a car while you tried to back out, then almost hit me while you tried to back out, then nearly mowed me down even after you'd seen me, two things. One, you weren't going fast enough to kill me. Had you hit me, you would have injured me to the point that I would have been forced to sue you for millions of dollars. Second, I know how you feel, I was trying to get away from the grocery store as fast as I could as well, but really, you're not driving a porche. It's a white jeep. Leave the tread on your tires.

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