Back to Reality

You may be wondering where I've been since James Gandolfini died.  That's fair; I kind of disappeared, I'll cop to it.  I spent another 6 weeks in California after my last entry, and, during that time, I became a little bit like Eve after eating the apple.  Suddenly I realized that I was hesitant to post the inner workings of my brain on the internet.  Each experience I had in Santa Barbara seemed to pull me more and more deeper into myself, into a sort of recovery I didn't really know I needed, and, when I could put words to it, it seemed inappropriate to publicize it.

When I got home, I numbed out for about a month.  With absolutely no disrespect to my amazing family and friends here in MN, I was absolutely devastated to be home. Each day I lived in a twisted variation of "California Time"--in which, at any given hour of the day, rather than living in the moment, I preferred to imagine "if I was in Santa Barbara, I would be ________ right now."  And I never ran out of of ways to fill in that blank.  Santa Barbara could barely manage to let me go (my journey to try to get out of town is a whole blog entry in itself) and between the city, the yoga, the beach, the coffee, the farmer's market, and all of the amazing people I shared those activities with, MN seemed to be a very isolated, lonely place.  It didn't help that the construction on the interstate nearest me required me to drive south to go north and added anywhere from 20-30 minutes to get anywhere.  Believe me, numb was easier.

Then, I started my new job. Numb was not an option....I had new faces to learn, the layout of two new buildings, nine new computer programs to master (and train teachers how to use) and a house to unpack. So, I did.  And now I'm back here.  Slowly but surely re-engaging with the world, rediscovering my MN voice and purpose, and figuring out how to place my Santa Barbara experience into the greater context of my life.  No promises for daily entries, but, tell me, if you read this far.....did you miss me?