Wednesday, October 30, 2013

The one where I'm not going to Tulum.

Two years ago, I visited the most magical place I'd ever visited: Tulum, Mexico.  Then, I went back again last year.  It drew me back cell by cell.  Before my 2012 trip, I was worried that it wouldn't be as good as 2011 because how on earth could it be?  It was impossible.  And yet, through a few stars aligning in a very perfect way, some things happened that made it not just better than the year before; it because one of the best weeks of my life.  I look back on it with a fondness and reverence I don't have for many other things, because it was, truly, a once-in-a-lifetime experience. To say that it's a place of healing is an understatement.  Remember, I spent the summer in Santa Barbara where my soul purpose in life was to heal myself....and three months in Santa Barbara didn't do as much for me as four days in Tulum.

You may be surprised to hear that this year, in three days, I'm not going back to Tulum.  I go back and forth with being at peace with my decision to not go.  Some days I know it's exactly right for me to move on and enjoy my new path toward California; other days I want to buy a plane ticket and just go already.

There are many obstacles.  I spent the summer in California.  Santa Barbara, California, of all places, which wasn't cheap.  Then there's the new job.  The new job where I have a major deadline on November 15th and missing 4 working days would make meeting that deadline all but impossible.  Then there's the change in leadership for the retreat.  I'm the kind of girl who went to the same camp every summer and requested the same counselor year after year.  I don't like change.  That's the least significant obstacle, and it wouldn't have been enough to stop me from going if the money and time was there...but I'd be lying if I didn't console myself a little by saying "Well, at least ____ and ____ and ____ aren't leading..."

So, a part of me says, "You should have gone, to become comfortable with the unknown.  To release your expectations.  To not stall out in old memories, but create new ones."

Another part of me says, "If Tulum is really a place of healing, then you've already got Tulum with you now.  It has healed you.  Healing doesn't expire; it's not something that needs to be renewed or it dies out.  New injuries may occur, but that tends to call for new types of healing.  In fact, I'm pretty sure the research would back me up in saying that repetition of healing methods tends to diminish their effectiveness over time.

I have to believe that this year is not the year for me in Tulum.  Last year was.  The year before that was.  This year is someone else's year.  My experience, my healing, lies elsewhere.  Maybe my growth here is realizing that I am healed, that it's time to move forward.

But...Tulum did make me very happy.  Twice.


John said...

Some one great once said. Wherever you go, go with all your heart.

Kelly said...

Truth! Great way to look at it.