I was in an absolutely foul mood today for no good reason. Poor Joe bore the brunt of it when he witnessed me nearly attacking the treadmill after it stopped in the middle of my run not once, not twice, but THREE TIMES. I wanted to run 3 miles and I knew immediately as soon as I started that it was going to be a hard go. My body is absolutely exhausted, and it didn't want to run. It was totally mind over matter, and believe me I did try. It's hard to get into stride, though, when the fucking treadmill keeps shutting off before I reach a full mile. Joe witnessed a mini-tantrum and then I went to lift weights. I lifted, pulled myself together, then came back to give it another go. I almost made it.
Today was the first day I doubted my ability to run the half in May. I've never questioned it since the day I agreed to do it, but today the voice of self-doubt crept in and said 'Who are you kidding? You're not a runner. You've never been a runner, and you keep trying to make yourself one, but you might as well be trying to make yourself into a heart surgeon.' I argued with the voice, told it to shut up, but more and more my legs just wouldn't cooperate.
I know that I need to cut myself some slack. Not a lot, but some. This is the most stressful week of the year. For some reason, winter trimester finals are always harder than the fall or the spring. This combined with the possibility that we may need to extend the trimester into next week if school is cancelled tomorrow or Friday adds just that extra bit. (Mind you, I will so not complain about a snow day. Not one word. Please, please, PLEASE bring a snow day!!!!!)
And, of course, I've been downplaying the fact that I have no idea what I'll be doing seven months from now. Will I be teaching? Will I be in school? I'm standing at a crossroads with a stoplight that isn't turning green. I'd be treating myself very unfairly if I didn't acknowledge that the grad school wait is taking a toll on me mentally and emotionally.
Mind over matter. I need to be mentally strong and I'll get through all of the stress. But in the mean time, crabby pants is my new nickname. At least until Friday.