So, last week I opted to stay home and study rather than go to Fabulous Rita's CorePower yoga class. The week before I was too hungover to speak on Saturday morning (the reunion) and the two weeks before that she wasn't teaching. So, you can imagine how much I was looking forward to her class this Saturday.
She's not teaching for at least the next two weeks. Anywhere. She's still on the schedule for November, but, well, frankly after this week with Carina the Chiropractor falling off the face of the earth, I'm a little nervous about whether or now I may have missed a possible goodbye with Rita last week. And I'm a little upset.
Which got me thinking. When did I start forming these lifelong attachments to people I don't even know? I know nothing of Carina's personal life, and even less about Rita. Yet both of these women are important in my life--they make me feel good when I'm with them, I look forward to seeing them, and I'm sad when I miss the opportunity to interact with them. And this week has been unnecessarily hard on me, not because anyone did anything wrong, but because these darn people keep living their lives without consulting me first! And I'm really starting to get confused by it all.
When I was growing up I used to form "attractions" to women--camp counselors, teachers, etc. It wasn't a sexual thing at all, but more of an "I want to be you" sort of draw. I wanted to be exactly like them--be their best friend, be their sister, be someone important to them. This carried on to a few people in college but faded as I became an adult.
Now it seems as though it may be back. I can't label the attraction this time, though, because adulthood is more complicated. It's more sexual in the way that I want to be *with* these women, as opposed to "being them"....but it's not sexual in the way that I can't imagine ever having sex with another woman. So not for me.
So I don't really know what to do. I think my life would be a lot easier if I didn't develop feelings for acquaintances beyond what is probably socially acceptable. I wouldn't feel a sense of loss when they moved on. It's not like I'm devastated for the rest of my life or anything, but when I lose someone it definitely puts a dent in a few of my days. Mostly I want to know *why* I do this. It's not being starved for attention or affection or anything, because it's not ALL women (or men), it's only certain women. But its been four women in the last calendar year. That's a bit much. Even for me.