Thursday, October 16, 2008


So, last week I opted to stay home and study rather than go to Fabulous Rita's CorePower yoga class. The week before I was too hungover to speak on Saturday morning (the reunion) and the two weeks before that she wasn't teaching. So, you can imagine how much I was looking forward to her class this Saturday.

She's not teaching for at least the next two weeks. Anywhere. She's still on the schedule for November, but, well, frankly after this week with Carina the Chiropractor falling off the face of the earth, I'm a little nervous about whether or now I may have missed a possible goodbye with Rita last week. And I'm a little upset.

Which got me thinking. When did I start forming these lifelong attachments to people I don't even know? I know nothing of Carina's personal life, and even less about Rita. Yet both of these women are important in my life--they make me feel good when I'm with them, I look forward to seeing them, and I'm sad when I miss the opportunity to interact with them. And this week has been unnecessarily hard on me, not because anyone did anything wrong, but because these darn people keep living their lives without consulting me first! And I'm really starting to get confused by it all.

When I was growing up I used to form "attractions" to women--camp counselors, teachers, etc. It wasn't a sexual thing at all, but more of an "I want to be you" sort of draw. I wanted to be exactly like them--be their best friend, be their sister, be someone important to them. This carried on to a few people in college but faded as I became an adult.

Now it seems as though it may be back. I can't label the attraction this time, though, because adulthood is more complicated. It's more sexual in the way that I want to be *with* these women, as opposed to "being them"....but it's not sexual in the way that I can't imagine ever having sex with another woman. So not for me.

So I don't really know what to do. I think my life would be a lot easier if I didn't develop feelings for acquaintances beyond what is probably socially acceptable. I wouldn't feel a sense of loss when they moved on. It's not like I'm devastated for the rest of my life or anything, but when I lose someone it definitely puts a dent in a few of my days. Mostly I want to know *why* I do this. It's not being starved for attention or affection or anything, because it's not ALL women (or men), it's only certain women. But its been four women in the last calendar year. That's a bit much. Even for me.

1 comment:

chrystibella said...

Perhaps it's because you feel a "connection" with these people and if given time and the opportunity, you would have developed a more meaningful, lasting friendship. So many people come and go in our lives daily and like you said, people move on and you have to mourn your loss for awhile.

I know the feeling. I joined a group of women who meet once a month and all of the women in our group are connected to one friend that we all know but I have not yet developed a bond (yet there is that "connection") with several of the women in the group and I worry about losing touch with them when they don't come to our gatherings.

I so look forward to my one night each month to relax, drink wine and share our potluck dinner. We always have a theme for the evening and this one night a month has become something that makes me a happier person.

The same with your classes and the women you meet there who re-charge your batteries (so to speak).

I don't think you're weird at all. =)