Thursday, August 27, 2009

How do you stop choking?

So, it all came to a head today with bad news part deux...less than a year after the Carina the Chiropractor debacle, I showed up at my chiropractor/physical therapy appointment to the following conversation:

Jana (receptionist): Oh, and I should tell you, Jannel isn't here.
Me: Oh, okay. (Thinking she must be sick, sadness!)
Jana: Like, not here at all, like she's gone. She doesn't work here anymore.

And then I got this weird feeling in my stomach and in my jaw and in, like, the bottom part of my head where my dreams come from. And for a moment I really did think I was dreaming--because it couldn't POSSIBLY happen exactly the same way twice, right? I couldn't lose two kind of important people in my life from the same clinic in the same way, with them both being there one day and gone the next? Could it?

But yes, it could, and I cried the rest of the day.

So, I head to yogi training a little, shall we say...raw. I took a yoga class from one of my favorite teachers before it started, and cried during that. Then we set up yogi training and I managed to hold it together for most of the time.

Until I figured out the choking. I've been unhappy for a few weeks. Not, like, clinically depressed or anything, but not too far from there. Mostly my concern was that I couldn't pinpoint what was making me feel so awful all the time. But, I think that what I've done is started to choke. I did yoga teacher training from Feb-April. From May-June I did the yoga extensions program. From July-August I interned at the yoga studio and started teaching at the Hotel Ivy Spa. Now, still August, I'm in yogi training until the middle of September. And I think what I've done is crammed all of this yoga, yoga, yoga into my throat and, well, I'm starting to choke on it.

Choking explains why it's been so hard for me to put anything into words lately. I've been just stymied by explaining the simplest things. And forget about writing. Yeah, this little published author can't put pen to paper for shit. But, it makes some sense if I'm choking--nothing can get out! No air, no breath, no words. I've got my hands around my own throat and I'm making it worse, not better.

So I need to clear my throat. Or Heimlich myself. The question is, how to do that? And, with my supportive Jannel gone, at least for me, it's harder, I'm not going to lie. I depend so much on other people--probably more than I should. And because of that, I'm almost always disappointed. If I waited for someone else to Heimlich me, I'd probably choke to death. So, I need to take care of it myself. Like usual. Because who can I depend on besides myself?

And a part of me wants to stay awake all night, because a part of me wants to sleep and wake up to find out Jannel leaving is a bad dream. But the reality is that it wasn't a dream and I'm a little afraid of how I'll be tomorrow when I wake up and don't even have the possibilities of a dream to cling to.

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