Mentally tough?

I was scheduled to run three miles today, and even though I was totally exhausted I still showed up for the run. I did three miles on Tuesday and it was a breeze, but I gave blood on Wednesday and was totally lazy on Thursday. So, when I ran today my legs were sore almost immediately and I was just not feeling it. BUT, I need to start "feeling it" pretty quickly if I'm going to run this half-marathon.

So, the question is: How mentally tough am I? Am I going to spend part of every afternoon alternating between telling myself "I can't do this" and being surprised when I do? At what point will I be able to believe in myself enough to get through a run? I ran four times this week, between 2-3 miles each time. That's awesome, especially for the first week of training. But I'm focused on the idea that I "should be doing better".

This attitude is a sign of my overall mentality toward myself--I never feel like anything I do is enough. I always feel as though I could do more, and even if I do something really well I focus on whatever the weakness was (walking for five minutes, two points on a test) and I use it against myself. I need to get out of that. It's no way to live, and eventually it's going to cost me things that I have earned and have every right to enjoy.

So March's resolution is going to be to not be so hard on myself. To increase my mental toughness---against myself. To focus on being a more balanced critic, celebrating my successes as much as I berate my failures.

"I choose not to race!"

I made a difficult decision while I was out running tonight. I am not going to run the half marathon this weekend.

Here's why:

I proved with the Belize jump my ability to put myself into life-threatening situations that I am not physically or mentally prepared for. I was fortunate enough to have someone there to (literally) hold my hand. No one will be able to carry me across the finish line but me.

More importantly, I have run nearly 60 miles so far this summer, and over 100 since January, even with time out for a foot injury. I should be extremely proud of that. Before I made running a half my goal, I was proud of every single mile I ran. When I ran my first mile without stopping to walk, I celebrated. When I hit 3 miles, I celebrated. When I ran 6 miles, I celebrated a LOT. Since I started training for the half, though, every mile I've run has turned into a disappointment. Not good enough. I did not start running to be a racer. I didn't even have a marathon in my mind. I wanted to run to be healthy. I have achieved that, have turned running into a lifestyle, and that's something that I should feel good about when I think of it, not feel like I'm not doing a good enough job.

I don't feel like a failure in this, though some people may see it that way. I will run a half marathon at some point in the future, but I don't want to hurt myself or take away from my enjoyment of running by rushing into something that should be taken extremely seriously.

Reporting live from the planet Venus

Today was so oppressively hot I'm not sure that there are words in the English language (or any language, for that matter) to describe it. I was outside for all of 3 minutes, to walk to the mailbox and back, and other than that I stared at the phone, talked to Jodi, read Harry Potter, and napped. Last night was a late one--I stayed up until almost five a.m. writing.

I tried to run last night. I did 1.5 miles and worked on speed rather than distance. There was no chance of me running today. Tomorrow should be better, as the dewpoint is supposed to be back to an Earthly range.

Still waiting to hear on Mentor. Heather said that she doesn't think she knew at this time last year. I remember she told me at our final writing group session, which was in early August, so there could still be good news.

6.28, 11:52

That means I ran 6.28 miles with an average pace of 11 minutes and 52 seconds!!!!! That's 8 seconds below my "goal" pace.

I feel like I pretty much rule right now. SIX POINT TWO EIGHT MILES! All running! It's my first "long run" and for the first time I feel confidence in myself that maybe I'm not going to be totally hosed when it comes to the half marathon on August 4th. I've been stalled at 4 and 4.5 miles for weeks, but this is totally a new benchmark for me.

Tomorrow is a lifting day, so my muscles will get to recover. Thursday is a short run, and then I'll do another long run on either Friday or Saturday.

The half-marathon playlist

Okay, so with 27 days until the half marathon, I put together a potential playlist. With my pacing as it is, I figure I'll need about 2.6 hours of music from start to finish, so I'm going to give myself three hours of tunes.

Below I've posted the tentative list. It's almost 4 hours of music listed, but I know that some of the songs will get removed. Keep in mind that some of the songs were chosen for the beat, some for the lyrics, and some because I have particular memories associated with them that make me smile.

1. Accidentally In Love (Counting Crows)
2. Alive (Pearl Jam)
3. Almost (Bowling for Soup)
4. Always the Last to Know (Del Amitri)
5. Around the World Remix (ATC)
6. Bad Touch (Bloodhound Gang)
7. Black Betty (Ram Jam)
8. Blue (Eiffel 65)
9. Bubbly (Colbie Caillat)
10. Buddy Holly (Weezer)
11. Calling All Nations (INXS)
12. Chicago (Sufjan Stevens)
13. Chicago To String Remix by Jongalloway (Sufjan Stevens)
14. Coin-Operated Boy (The Dresden Dolls)
15. Devil's Dance Floor (Flogging Molly)
16. Devil Inside (INXS)
17. Every You Every Me (Placebo)
18. Everybody Wants to Rule the World (Tears for Fears)
19. Eye of the Tiger (Survivor)
20. Fat Bottomed Girls (Queen)
21. Float On (Modest Mouse)
22. Freedom (Wham!)
23. Good Things (The BoDeans)
24. Head Over Heels (The Go-Go's)
25. Hollaback Girl (Gwen Stefani)
26. I'll Be your Shelter (Taylor Dayne)
27. I Go to Extremes (Billy Joel and Elton John, live)
28. Leather (Tori Amos)
29. The Man of Metropolis Steals Our Hearts (Sufjan Stevens)
30. Morning Train (Sheena Easton)
31. Movin' Out [Anthony's Song] (Billy Joel)
32. My Doorbell (The White Stripes)
33. My Sharona (The Knack)
34. New Age Girl (Deadeye Dick)
35. Out Tonight (Rent)
36. Passionate Kisses (Lucinda Williams)
37. People Are People (Depeche Mode)
38. The Predatory Wasp of the Palisades Is Out to Get Us (Sufjan Stevens)
39. Puttin' on the Ritz (Taco)
40. Raspberry Beret (Prince)
41. Sexbomb (Tom Jones)
42. She Bangs (Ricky Martin)
43. The Shoop Shoop Song (Cher)
44. Take a Chance on Me (ABBA)
45. They Don't Know (Tracey Ullman)
46. Thong Song (Sisqo)
47. Turn the Beat Around (Gloria Estefan)
48. Under Pressure (Queen)
49. Vertigo (U2)
50. We Didn't Start the Fire (Billy Joel, live)
51. We Will Rock You (Queen)
52. What's Up? (4 Non Blondes)
53. What You Own (Rent)
54. When I'm Alone (Carbon Leaf)

All over but the cryin'

Well, I signed up for the Urban Wildland half marathon today. Fuck. The heatwave has not helped my training schedule one bit, nor has my complete and utter lack of motivation, and my new obsession with how fat I seem to be getting.

Signing up today was important for a few reasons. First, a good friend of mine delivered a baby this morning (Happy Birthday, Henry!!) and there has been celebration all day. Second, I woke up to an email this morning from my college roommate that her mom passed away over the weekend from cancer. The dichotomy inside my brain as a result of these two events pushed me into action. I had to do something. Signing up for the half is my promise to myself that I will run, that I will continue to train, and that I'm not just all talk.

The half is August 4th--come and cheer me on!!

Note to Self

Okay, so I didn't bring my clothes to work today so I had to run after I got home. It's a pretty common saying that when dressing to run outdoors, one should dress for 20 degrees warmer than it actually is. Running when too hot is just about the worst thing ever. So I dressed in shorts and a short sleeve shirt and out I went.

If, since it was 84 degrees, I dressed for a temperature of 104, shouldn't I also have prepared to RUN in a temperature of 104? I did not think that through, thus the note to self: Do not run in the 80s.

After about a mile my face felt like it was going to burn off. It's an hour, a shower, and a bottle of water later and I'm pretty sure someone could still fry an egg on my face.

Back to the weight room

I headed back to the weight room yesterday after work because I just can't motivate myself to run when I get home at the end of the day. So, with my head hung low I slunk back in and hit the old routine.

I have another few weeks to get myself motivated to actually run outside again. My foot is healed (finally!) and I have no excuses other than when I get home from work I turn into the laziest person alive.

I'm signing up for a half marathon on August 4th...the heat will be god-awful, I'm guessing, but I'll have plenty of time to train this summer. Motivation? That remains to be seen.

Back on track

Well, it's day four of the detox and things are going fairly well. I totally cheated on the night of day two (there was a pizza in the freezer...couldn't help it) but since then I've been totally focused. No caffeine, no alcohol, just the foods listed in the Fat Smash Diet courtesy of Dr. Ian. I know that if I'm careful and don't blow my wad on Friday at the party my eating habits can stay changed. But, if I eat like a pig then Saturday will be like the detox week never happened.

The half-marathon is August 4th and I start training next week. My foot has been feeling better on a more consistent basis and I'm confident that I can start my training without doing further damage. It took so long to heal. The half marathon I was first supposed to do is this weekend...I can only run about 2.5 miles right now. Youch.

But, I'm really glad that things are coming back to center for me in terms of food and exercise. Now I want Friday to get here so I can eat a hamburger.

If it ain't broke.....

I finally went to see Hottie Doctor today about my foot to see if I was nursing a break or a fracture or what. I tried to work out for the first time yesterday in nearly a week, with somewhat catastrophic results. I ran at about half my normal speed for two-tenths of a mile and then had to stop because I was twisting my feet so much to avoid pain I was worried about falling off the treadmill. So, I went to the elliptical and managed a mile on that, but my heart rate stayed so high (in the 170s when my fat burning range is 122-125) that I knew my body wasn't liking it. I finally ended up biking for about 45 minutes and then lifting weights with Joe. The last time we worked out together was before last weeks snow days, so it was nice to get caught up with him.

At any rate, I'm not broken, sprained, fractured, or otherwise injured in such a way that I shoudn't be back to running in another week or two. Dr. Hot recommended that I cross train so I stay in shape and he said I should still be in fine shape to run the half in May. WHEW.

So, I've readjusted my workout regime and Dr. Hot gave me a boot/cast thing that should help me prevent further injury from favoring my foot so much. It's already working wonders and I'm hoping that I'll be able to get my first run in late next week.

The bummer is I know I lost ground. I can already feel my abs and leg muscles starting to loosen. Good news is, though, the weight loss is starting to kick in, and my blood pressure is 117 over 72. That's after the most stressful week of the school year yet this far, so I'm pretty damn excited.

Ladies and gentlemen, gather round....see the amazing bird-bone woman!

My hetero-lifemate Jessie always tells me I have bird bones...that my bones are, in fact, hollow. A few years ago after I broke my foot falling down a flight of stairs at school two days before a spring break trip to Vegas, she bought me a t-shirt that says "I do all my own stunts" with a picture of a guy falling.

Naturally, she was the first person I called yesterday when I tripped over the dog, fell down some of my stairs, and fractured/cracked my foot...again.

I didn't go to the emergency room or to urgent care (the one located so conveniently to my house is, inconveniently, "temporarily closed"), but I know that it's a crack because it feels exactly like it did the last time. Apparently the top of my foot is my achilles heel. I know from the last time that there is absolutely nothing that can be done for broken foot bones. No cast, no bandages, nothing, except The Boot. The Boot is a godsend. While it's not the most attractive accessory, it keeps my foot stable and enables me to walk relatively pain free.

The Boot, however, and the fractured bone, will seriously impede my training for the half. I have to call a doctor, I'll call the same one who helped me with my foot the last time, to find out how much. The last time it took nearly six weeks for me to be able to walk pain free, and after wearing the boot during work for that amount of time, my calf muscle was so atrophied that it took ages to build it back up again. This time I plan to continue working out with non-running/waking activities. I can still cycle, work my upper body, and work my abs. But, if I'm out of running for 4-6 weeks, that puts me in a serious deficit for the half....I'll be 6-4 weeks out and it won't be possible for me to catch up.

Frustrating.

Exchanging my running pants for a pair of crabby pants

I was in an absolutely foul mood today for no good reason. Poor Joe bore the brunt of it when he witnessed me nearly attacking the treadmill after it stopped in the middle of my run not once, not twice, but THREE TIMES. I wanted to run 3 miles and I knew immediately as soon as I started that it was going to be a hard go. My body is absolutely exhausted, and it didn't want to run. It was totally mind over matter, and believe me I did try. It's hard to get into stride, though, when the fucking treadmill keeps shutting off before I reach a full mile. Joe witnessed a mini-tantrum and then I went to lift weights. I lifted, pulled myself together, then came back to give it another go. I almost made it.

Today was the first day I doubted my ability to run the half in May. I've never questioned it since the day I agreed to do it, but today the voice of self-doubt crept in and said 'Who are you kidding? You're not a runner. You've never been a runner, and you keep trying to make yourself one, but you might as well be trying to make yourself into a heart surgeon.' I argued with the voice, told it to shut up, but more and more my legs just wouldn't cooperate.

I know that I need to cut myself some slack. Not a lot, but some. This is the most stressful week of the year. For some reason, winter trimester finals are always harder than the fall or the spring. This combined with the possibility that we may need to extend the trimester into next week if school is cancelled tomorrow or Friday adds just that extra bit. (Mind you, I will so not complain about a snow day. Not one word. Please, please, PLEASE bring a snow day!!!!!)

And, of course, I've been downplaying the fact that I have no idea what I'll be doing seven months from now. Will I be teaching? Will I be in school? I'm standing at a crossroads with a stoplight that isn't turning green. I'd be treating myself very unfairly if I didn't acknowledge that the grad school wait is taking a toll on me mentally and emotionally.

Mind over matter. I need to be mentally strong and I'll get through all of the stress. But in the mean time, crabby pants is my new nickname. At least until Friday.

Hitting the showers

One of the ways I've come up with to reward myself for a "level 5" exercise day (when I work myself so hard I'm pretty sure I'll never be able to move the same way again) is by treating myself to the Ultimate Shower. I take my time (Al Gore would so shake his finger at me) and I use my favorite yummy smelling body wash and I breathe deeply and relax all of my muscles. People who know me well know I do my best thinking in the shower, but on these days I don't think about anything except myself and how awesome I am. How much better I'm treating my body. How hard I'm working and how, for the first time in my life, I'm doing it all for me and not for a boy, or for a job, or to get someone's attention, or to win a contest.

The reward doesn't end with the Ultimate Shower, though. Afterwards I take time and use my favorite lotion, I brush my teeth, and I smile a lot in the mirror. If I'm staying in for the evening, I don my favorite pair of sweatpants and a tank top. If I'm going anywhere--even back to work or out for coffee--I dress myself up. I do the make up, the hair, cute clothes; I totally girl myself out.

My level 5 work out days are my favorites. Today I ran four miles, and I kept a pace I haven't been able to keep before. Joe pushed me during the last quarter mile, encouraging me and getting me to amp up my speed even more for the last tenth. Tomorrow is a two mile day, nothing after today's push, and it's 3-4 miles the rest of the week except for Thursday, the day of rest.

Still a tad too cold...

I went for my first outdoor training run today when I got home from St. Cloud. Joe told me how to dress and I dropped a chunk of change last night at REI getting clothes to train in and run the 1/2 in (nothing like offering me a new line of wardrobe to motivate me).

I stayed pretty warm; Joe said that I needed a hat and mittens but that my core would stay warm and he was right. But, my face nearly froze off, and my lungs got a little too much fresh air. I had planned to do a four mile run but I only managed a two mile run/walk.

I am pleased that I got out for at least a little exercise. I missed working out yesterday because I was feeling lazy, so I knew I needed to get out today. Tomorrow is a stretch/strengthen day so I'm going to head to the weight room and spend some time there.

Today was a good heads up about how different outdoor running is from the treadmill. I'm going to need to do some serious pacing practice and preparation for the 1/2.

3 Miles and a Milestone

I ran three miles today! I didn't get an accurate time because the stupid treadmill started back at zero when I bumped up my speed, but I know it was around 40 minutes. My training plan starts officially next week, but I'm starting it this week and I'll do the first week twice.

The milestone was that I gained acceptance in the weight room. The teacher who supervises it, who I've probably said two words to in the seven years I've taught there, came up to me and said that I looked like I was making great progress. We talked about the 1/2 marathon and he gave me some tips about increasing my cardio with lower impact activities like the elliptical and the bikes. He said I was dedicated.

Last night I went to happy hour with my friend Heather, and she complimented me on how I looked...she said I looked thinner and "better." It's so motivating that people are noticing; it means that I'm doing the right thing. I'm still not losing weight pound-wise, but my clothes are fitting differently and I know I look better than I did six months ago...or even two months ago.

The 1/2 marathon is three months from today--let the countdown begin!!

A level of insanity previously unknown

A few days ago a woman I teach next door to asked me to run a half marathon with her. I laughed, and we went about our business.

She asked me again this morning and handed me a 12 week training schedule. So, I'm going to run a half marathon.

I am a crazy person.

But, I think that I can do it, and this gives me a reason to be working out all the time, thus higher motivation than just the generic "for my health." If I have a goal in mind I think I'll work out more and better.

So, wish me luck, and if anyone out there has run a 1/2 marathon before and has some tips on things I should do, please let me know!