You may be wondering where I've been since James Gandolfini died. That's fair; I kind of disappeared, I'll cop to it. I spent another 6 weeks in California after my last entry, and, during that time, I became a little bit like Eve after eating the apple. Suddenly I realized that I was hesitant to post the inner workings of my brain on the internet. Each experience I had in Santa Barbara seemed to pull me more and more deeper into myself, into a sort of recovery I didn't really know I needed, and, when I could put words to it, it seemed inappropriate to publicize it.
When I got home, I numbed out for about a month. With absolutely no disrespect to my amazing family and friends here in MN, I was absolutely devastated to be home. Each day I lived in a twisted variation of "California Time"--in which, at any given hour of the day, rather than living in the moment, I preferred to imagine "if I was in Santa Barbara, I would be ________ right now." And I never ran out of of ways to fill in that blank. Santa Barbara could barely manage to let me go (my journey to try to get out of town is a whole blog entry in itself) and between the city, the yoga, the beach, the coffee, the farmer's market, and all of the amazing people I shared those activities with, MN seemed to be a very isolated, lonely place. It didn't help that the construction on the interstate nearest me required me to drive south to go north and added anywhere from 20-30 minutes to get anywhere. Believe me, numb was easier.
Then, I started my new job. Numb was not an option....I had new faces to learn, the layout of two new buildings, nine new computer programs to master (and train teachers how to use) and a house to unpack. So, I did. And now I'm back here. Slowly but surely re-engaging with the world, rediscovering my MN voice and purpose, and figuring out how to place my Santa Barbara experience into the greater context of my life. No promises for daily entries, but, tell me, if you read this far.....did you miss me?
Showing posts with label California. Show all posts
Showing posts with label California. Show all posts
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Daily Schedule, California Style
Sometime: Wake up. Eat breakfast.
Sometime later: Go to yoga. Hang out after with new friends.
Later: Get coffee.
Later: Go to yoga. Hang out after with new friends.
Later: A, B, C, or D, in no particular order:
A. Drive to beach. While at the beach, play with the dog in the ocean. Walk to the end of the pier and back. Read. Eat. Look at the mountains. Pinch arm.
B. Go shopping on State Street. Buy cute clothes I cannot afford any more than I can live without.
C. Go to the farmer's market. Be completely in love with the sunshine, vegetables, and total strangers.
D. Play with new sequencing and music in the studio.
Later: Go to yoga. Be insanely stretchy and in love with the universe.
Later: Eat. Drink hot tea. Notice that I cannot stop smiling.
Later: Wonder exactly what it would take to move here.
Later: Work on grad class, stress over money, drink a cocktail (or three), and eat popcorn. Also, play Bejeweled Blitz and watch HLN and wonder about the state of the world.
Later: Realize it's way too late to call anyone in MN to tell them how amazing California is. Vow to call earlier tomorrow.
Sometime later: Go to yoga. Hang out after with new friends.
Later: Get coffee.
Later: Go to yoga. Hang out after with new friends.
Later: A, B, C, or D, in no particular order:
A. Drive to beach. While at the beach, play with the dog in the ocean. Walk to the end of the pier and back. Read. Eat. Look at the mountains. Pinch arm.
B. Go shopping on State Street. Buy cute clothes I cannot afford any more than I can live without.
C. Go to the farmer's market. Be completely in love with the sunshine, vegetables, and total strangers.
D. Play with new sequencing and music in the studio.
Later: Go to yoga. Be insanely stretchy and in love with the universe.
Later: Eat. Drink hot tea. Notice that I cannot stop smiling.
Later: Wonder exactly what it would take to move here.
Later: Work on grad class, stress over money, drink a cocktail (or three), and eat popcorn. Also, play Bejeweled Blitz and watch HLN and wonder about the state of the world.
Later: Realize it's way too late to call anyone in MN to tell them how amazing California is. Vow to call earlier tomorrow.
Thursday, June 13, 2013
The one where I missed the Big Metaphor
So I'm laying in yoga tonight (literally, laying on my back, while everyone else is doing this nutso sequence I can't quite follow to even know when to rejoin after both sides), thinking. The instructor was putting everyone into a variation of a crazy forward fold sort of thing and explaining that you can't just drop into it right away--you have to breathe your way into it. Your body will shove itself into whatever posture you want, but it's not always comfortable and, if you do it really wrong, you might only be able to do it the one time. But, if you go slowly, in stages, and take your time, the process becomes a whole lot more pleasant.
And then my mind drifted toward my mad dash from Minnesota to Santa Barbara. I thought about the compulsive need I had to get in my car every day and drive 10-12 hours to "get there." Because heaven forfend I would take some breaths along the way. Stop in Colorado and visit friends. Stop to see whatever Nebraska's version of the World's Biggest Ball of Twine is. Nope, I had to Get There. And now, I'm paying for it. I feel like I need about 900 yoga classes to get myself back to center.
But it's good--that's part of why I'm out here, is to figure stuff like that out. To observe from the outside that I hauled ass to Santa Barbara in the same way I overstretch my hamstrings in a forward bend. It's incentive to, rather than try to set a land speed record for the drive home, take a few extra days to travel back to MN. Because it's out of my comfort zone. Because I'll learn from it.
Life lessons present themselves all the time. You don't need to travel across the country to learn them--though, I will say, being 2000 miles away from home has highlighted a LOT of lessons I need to spend some time with. If you can't drive 2000 miles out of your comfort zone, try going to your yoga mat. If you don't have a yoga mat, maybe just getting a mat is enough of a step out of "The Zone." Ask yourself: What do I rush through? Where could I slow down? A hundred things may come to mind....pick one. Then, the next time you encounter that thing, take twice as long as you want to accomplish it. Breathe.
And then my mind drifted toward my mad dash from Minnesota to Santa Barbara. I thought about the compulsive need I had to get in my car every day and drive 10-12 hours to "get there." Because heaven forfend I would take some breaths along the way. Stop in Colorado and visit friends. Stop to see whatever Nebraska's version of the World's Biggest Ball of Twine is. Nope, I had to Get There. And now, I'm paying for it. I feel like I need about 900 yoga classes to get myself back to center.
But it's good--that's part of why I'm out here, is to figure stuff like that out. To observe from the outside that I hauled ass to Santa Barbara in the same way I overstretch my hamstrings in a forward bend. It's incentive to, rather than try to set a land speed record for the drive home, take a few extra days to travel back to MN. Because it's out of my comfort zone. Because I'll learn from it.
Life lessons present themselves all the time. You don't need to travel across the country to learn them--though, I will say, being 2000 miles away from home has highlighted a LOT of lessons I need to spend some time with. If you can't drive 2000 miles out of your comfort zone, try going to your yoga mat. If you don't have a yoga mat, maybe just getting a mat is enough of a step out of "The Zone." Ask yourself: What do I rush through? Where could I slow down? A hundred things may come to mind....pick one. Then, the next time you encounter that thing, take twice as long as you want to accomplish it. Breathe.
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Learning how to road trip...one mile at a time.
Having landed rather unceremoniously in Santa Barbara last night, I thought I should post a summary of what it took to get me here. Santa Barbara and Shakopee are a little over 2000 miles apart, and an estimated 30 hours (if you drive like a normal person and not a grandmother). So, here's what I learned:
1. Stephen King novels make a great soundtrack for driving through the desert.
2. Bags of chips, bottles of water, and anything that combines air with sealing will pop with altitude changes. When this happens, it sounds like a gun going off in your car.
3. Dogs need to be taken out of the car and walked approximately every 2 hours or they begin to bounce involuntarily around the vehicle. This will add significant time to the overall trip, especially when you need to watch for specific rest stops and can't just pull over to run the dog around the freeway.
4. Lots more hotels take dogs that what you might think. This is awesome.
5. A 7% grade is a steep fucking grade. Don't be fooled by the little tiny percentage number.
6. The importance of an overnight bag separate from the rest of the luggage cannot be overstated. When you park at night, the only things you want to carry to the room are: the overnight bag, the dog, the doggy stairs, the dog's overnight bag, and all of your valuables. Also, the kitchen sink.
7. The last 90 minutes is the longest of the entire trip.
Now that I've gotten settled here in SB, I can only hope that my license plate serves as a universal apology to all Californians for my slow driving, confusion, and hesitation at lights. By the time August rolls around, hopefully I'll be driving 200 mph in a 10 speed zone just like the rest of 'em.
These, and countless other lessons yet to be learned, are why I'm here in California. Live, learn, love!
1. Stephen King novels make a great soundtrack for driving through the desert.
2. Bags of chips, bottles of water, and anything that combines air with sealing will pop with altitude changes. When this happens, it sounds like a gun going off in your car.
3. Dogs need to be taken out of the car and walked approximately every 2 hours or they begin to bounce involuntarily around the vehicle. This will add significant time to the overall trip, especially when you need to watch for specific rest stops and can't just pull over to run the dog around the freeway.
4. Lots more hotels take dogs that what you might think. This is awesome.
5. A 7% grade is a steep fucking grade. Don't be fooled by the little tiny percentage number.
6. The importance of an overnight bag separate from the rest of the luggage cannot be overstated. When you park at night, the only things you want to carry to the room are: the overnight bag, the dog, the doggy stairs, the dog's overnight bag, and all of your valuables. Also, the kitchen sink.
7. The last 90 minutes is the longest of the entire trip.
Now that I've gotten settled here in SB, I can only hope that my license plate serves as a universal apology to all Californians for my slow driving, confusion, and hesitation at lights. By the time August rolls around, hopefully I'll be driving 200 mph in a 10 speed zone just like the rest of 'em.
These, and countless other lessons yet to be learned, are why I'm here in California. Live, learn, love!
Friday, June 07, 2013
Destination California: Day 1
Today, the opportunity to drive for 8 hours without interruption from email, bells, student questions, and packing was the best start to a vacation I could have possibly asked for. I hit the road at a little after 1pm, and bid a fond farewell to pretty much everything I've ever known. Some I'll return to, and some I won't. It still hasn't it me yet that I'm no longer an English teacher. I packed up my entire classroom--13 years worth--in 3 days and it's now sitting in boxes in my spare bedroom.
I landed tonight in Lincoln, Nebraska. It was just after dark, and it was clearly time to stop. Gatsby was driving me nuts and I was getting really stressed out for no good reason. Almost 2 weeks of 2-3 hours of sleep a night finally caught up with me and I was about done. I'm so grateful to be taking this trip--it is going to be the experience of a lifetime. But it wasn't easy getting here, I'll tell you. But now that it's just me, Gatsby, and the open road? Life is pretty damn good.
I landed tonight in Lincoln, Nebraska. It was just after dark, and it was clearly time to stop. Gatsby was driving me nuts and I was getting really stressed out for no good reason. Almost 2 weeks of 2-3 hours of sleep a night finally caught up with me and I was about done. I'm so grateful to be taking this trip--it is going to be the experience of a lifetime. But it wasn't easy getting here, I'll tell you. But now that it's just me, Gatsby, and the open road? Life is pretty damn good.
Wednesday, June 05, 2013
The final countdown!
First, I have SO MUCH TO DO. For real. It's the last week of the school year, so even under ideal conditions I'm stressed to the gills and ready to cry at any given moment. Add to that the preparations for a house renovation that involves me packing up about half my house, a new job that involves me packing up my entire classroom (and moving it home), and a drive across the country to a city I've visited only once, and this. girl. is. fucking. outofhermind.
Tonight I said goodbye to the Beh Freh...my pet name for my dear friend Amy. She and her husband gave me a "road trip package" How fricking amazing is this?!
But I'm SO EXCITED!!!!! :-) This is actually happening!!!!! A week from now, I'll be settling in to my new space, getting my bearings on the city around me, and trying to not be too overwhelmed with awesome to do anything.
Tonight I said goodbye to the Beh Freh...my pet name for my dear friend Amy. She and her husband gave me a "road trip package" How fricking amazing is this?!
She knows exactly what I love (and what Gatsby loves....which is, more than anything, to be counted among the human-types). And, because she's the Beh Freh, she gave me a little tough love tonight after our yoga class. Suffice to say, she's not one for the Minnesota Goodbye. She's a one-and-done sort of girl. No tears, no sadness, just "dude, buck up. Go to California. I'll see you there." She is so good for me. I didn't cry over not seeing her, and, without her matter-of-fact approach, I could very well have been a sobbing, dribbling mess. Someone who will not only let you keep your dignity, but will also send you on a 29 hour road trip with Goldfish, Oreos, and Captain Morgan? That's a Beh Freh right there, people.
Tonight is an all-nighter. I need to finish my grades, finish my packing, and get my shit together. I also need to eat everything in my freezer. Ready....steady.....
Sunday, June 02, 2013
My Heart Took a Picture
In 1988 a movie came out with Linda Hamilton called 'Go Toward the Light.' It was based on a true story of a boy who gets HIV from a blood transfusion. I was addicted to it beyond measure because, in the late 80s, I was in love with both Linda Hamilton and things that made me cry my eyes out. One of the parts of the movie that continues to stay with me is the scene in which the dying boy is holding his baby brother and their mom says "My heart took a picture." Maybe it resonated with me because my dad was a photographer, or because I thought it was such a beautiful freedom to be able to take a picture with your heart and carry it with you always.
This morning I taught my last two yoga classes here in MN until I return in August. For the last year, best friend Amy and her husband have come to my early class and then we all head over to Starbucks for breakfast and conversation in which we try to solve all the world's problems--or at least our own. Amy and I have both changed jobs over our Sunday coffee. We've planned retirement, trips to Vancouver, and tattoos. We've vented, cursed, moaned and whined. We've celebrated, laughed, plotted and schemed. Today we did this one last time for the foreseeable future, since I will have a different teaching schedule when I return. I managed to not cry in my coffee....even when Amy bought us all cake pops and we sat there like three teenagers trying to guess the flavor of the cake before we ate them and making jokes. Our Sunday breakfast is something I'd dreamed about my whole life without ever really realizing I was doing it: having a coffee klatch. Who knew?
I taught my second class, then met Amy and John for a "goodbye lunch" that isn't really a goodbye quite yet (it's really goodbye #2 with at least one more to go). We went to the Golden Nugget for burgers and beer. John drinks beer all the time. Amy and I never do, but today we were both craving it. We laughed about that. And we chatted about work, California, yoga, people who don't wash their hands after using the bathroom, whether beer or cocktails are better, and other Very Important Things.
And it was there, while we were sitting down to our second meal of the day, with a beer in my hand and Matt Hires' 'Restless Heart' in the background, that my heart took a picture of my beautiful friends. Their importance in my life is immeasurable. My gratitude for moments where all of my senses engage in a way that creates a picture only I can see and that I can take out to look at whenever I want defies description. It will make me cry for awhile, to think of today, and to hear Restless Heart (yeah, I know---I have no idea what my thing is with that song...for real) and know that today closed out a lovely chapter I've been fond of for such a long time. Each day that goes by I'm getting more and more excited for my time in California and for the inevitable transformation it will bring...but my Sunday coffee just won't be the same.
Friday, May 31, 2013
The real reason I'm going to California...and what needs to happen to get me there
Today was the last Friday of the school year, and the shit kind of hit the fan. I looked around my classroom and burst right into tears. Not because I'm going to miss it (I am) or because it's such a raging disaster (it is), but because in one brief-yet-intense flash of clarity, I understood that I leave in one week and I have a month's worth of work to do before I go.
Before I get to my boring-ass list of things to do, which I will post here for my own accountability, here's the real, cross-my-heart, pinkie-swear, for-real-and-for-true reason why I'm going to California.
Ready?
I'm going to California because I have lost my way in Minnesota. Five years ago, I had finally found my path. Successful career? Check. Fabulous boyfriend with a future? Check. About-to-be-published author? Check. Then, I found yoga and I veered very sharply, very suddenly, to my left for a pit stop. And, just like those beautiful scenic lookout points at the side of the road, the last few years where yoga has been the center of my existence have been breathtaking. But, you know how after you've been sitting there for a few minutes, looking at the majesty of it all and taking pictures you'll never look at again so you don't forget how beautiful this moment is, you get a little bored? You get a little like "Okay, let's get back in the car, we've got places to go!" That's me. My life right now is that very beautiful scenic lookout, and I have overstayed my welcome.
My writing career has been calling my name. Screaming it. Everything in my house seems like me-from-five-years-ago. Still awesome, but not quite right. When I go to California, I intend to find my way again. I've allowed myself to wander around off the map for long enough. Coming home, I'll have a freshened up townhome and a brand spanking new job. A path.
Things I need to do before I leave:
1. Too fucking much
2. Really.
3. It's actually literally too much to list
I can't wait to keep you updated on this journey. Feel free to ask questions, offer up words of encouragement, or check in on my progress anytime you like.
Before I get to my boring-ass list of things to do, which I will post here for my own accountability, here's the real, cross-my-heart, pinkie-swear, for-real-and-for-true reason why I'm going to California.
Ready?
I'm going to California because I have lost my way in Minnesota. Five years ago, I had finally found my path. Successful career? Check. Fabulous boyfriend with a future? Check. About-to-be-published author? Check. Then, I found yoga and I veered very sharply, very suddenly, to my left for a pit stop. And, just like those beautiful scenic lookout points at the side of the road, the last few years where yoga has been the center of my existence have been breathtaking. But, you know how after you've been sitting there for a few minutes, looking at the majesty of it all and taking pictures you'll never look at again so you don't forget how beautiful this moment is, you get a little bored? You get a little like "Okay, let's get back in the car, we've got places to go!" That's me. My life right now is that very beautiful scenic lookout, and I have overstayed my welcome.
My writing career has been calling my name. Screaming it. Everything in my house seems like me-from-five-years-ago. Still awesome, but not quite right. When I go to California, I intend to find my way again. I've allowed myself to wander around off the map for long enough. Coming home, I'll have a freshened up townhome and a brand spanking new job. A path.
Things I need to do before I leave:
1. Too fucking much
2. Really.
3. It's actually literally too much to list
I can't wait to keep you updated on this journey. Feel free to ask questions, offer up words of encouragement, or check in on my progress anytime you like.
Saturday, May 18, 2013
A new California face
Here's a little secret: I'm going to suspend my Facebook account for the summer. Yep, that's right--this summer will be Facebook Free. Mostly because I'm pretty sure I'll be too busy at the ocean or the yoga studio to be bothered. But, I know that there are people who will want to see how my summer is going...so, I've given the ol' Blog a facelift for the California Experience.
Three weeks from today, I'll be chilling in Colorado Springs, about halfway through my trip. The plan is to leave June 7th after school is done for the day. I'm a little bummed to miss graduation; this will be the first time I've ever missed one. But, I like the idea of leaving with a half-day's drive ahead of me rather than starting out with a big 12 hour leg right off the bat.
What I have to get done between now and then is absolutely paralyzing. I'm a little over-emotional, a little hyper-sensitive, and I know it's my "to do" list that's weighing on me so heavily. I have to remember that everything will get done--or it won't. If it doesn't get done, for the most part it'll be okay. The stuff that absolutely needs to get done will get done. I also have a feeling that I'll be a much different person when I come back. There's a big risk that comes from taking a completely different path from normal. I'll say more about that...probably a lot more...later.
In the meantime, you'll be able to start looking here rather than Facebook for my California Experience. Happy following!
Three weeks from today, I'll be chilling in Colorado Springs, about halfway through my trip. The plan is to leave June 7th after school is done for the day. I'm a little bummed to miss graduation; this will be the first time I've ever missed one. But, I like the idea of leaving with a half-day's drive ahead of me rather than starting out with a big 12 hour leg right off the bat.
What I have to get done between now and then is absolutely paralyzing. I'm a little over-emotional, a little hyper-sensitive, and I know it's my "to do" list that's weighing on me so heavily. I have to remember that everything will get done--or it won't. If it doesn't get done, for the most part it'll be okay. The stuff that absolutely needs to get done will get done. I also have a feeling that I'll be a much different person when I come back. There's a big risk that comes from taking a completely different path from normal. I'll say more about that...probably a lot more...later.
In the meantime, you'll be able to start looking here rather than Facebook for my California Experience. Happy following!
Saturday, April 13, 2013
A much needed morning at home...heck, I just need a home.
How funny that my last post (yes, too long ago) was about my new-found love of Saturdays. Here we are, again, Saturday, and I am spending a rare day at home nesting and watching movies and living it up old school. I skipped the spin, skipped the yoga, and instead replaced it with eggs and tater tots for breakfast, some Gatsby snuggle time, and One for the Money with Katherine Heigl. I figured I love the Stephanie Plum books as my blissful mental escape, might as well enjoy the movie just the same.
The summer in California is happening. I needed this morning at home because the last week, basically ever since returning from my Cali spring break trip, I've been stressed. Stressed about finding a place to live for the summer, stressed about leaving my life behind here, stressed about money, stressed about my job, heck--stressed about YOGA. How that's even possible, who knows. I loved my time in Santa Barbara and I can't wait to get out there. I just hope I have more than my car to live in when I do.
Thursday, January 03, 2013
The Cost of California Dreamin' and the Value of Someone Who Will Tell You Straight
There are two things about me you need to know if we're going to be good friends. First, I dream big and often can't be bothered with the technicalities of making my dreams reality. Second, when I decide I want something, I want it now.
Imagine how much Pepto Bismol I've caused my financial planner to drink over the course of our relationship. Saving for grad school? Um, I've already enrolled. No, I don't know how much it costs. Saving for a house? What? But I want one now. Like....today.
Over the years she's looked into my dream world of becoming a professional writer, becoming a funeral director, buying a house, getting my master's degree....and now, spending the summerandpossiblylonger in California. She's been to this rodeo before; I want to move to California tomorrow, but my budget says "Dude, really?" So, my financial planner looks at me with all of the compassion and love she has and says, "Dude. Really?"
"Yes. Really."
"Okay," she sighs. "Well, let's figure it out."
And then we planned my summer in California. And my masters/PhD in administration. And I left feeling incredibly grateful for having someone in my life who is willing to be the anchor on my balloon. Who will step into my world long enough to take a look at my path--and who has a really great road map to get me where I want to go.
If you want her name, let me know; I couldn't possibly recommend her more.
And, for those of you seeking an update on my new morning schedule plan? After adjusting my bedtime, this morning was another fail. Woke up at 6:15 when I was supposed to wake up at 5:45. Tonight I adjusted my caffeine intake. Cross your fingers for tomorrow!
Imagine how much Pepto Bismol I've caused my financial planner to drink over the course of our relationship. Saving for grad school? Um, I've already enrolled. No, I don't know how much it costs. Saving for a house? What? But I want one now. Like....today.
Over the years she's looked into my dream world of becoming a professional writer, becoming a funeral director, buying a house, getting my master's degree....and now, spending the summerandpossiblylonger in California. She's been to this rodeo before; I want to move to California tomorrow, but my budget says "Dude, really?" So, my financial planner looks at me with all of the compassion and love she has and says, "Dude. Really?"
"Yes. Really."
"Okay," she sighs. "Well, let's figure it out."
And then we planned my summer in California. And my masters/PhD in administration. And I left feeling incredibly grateful for having someone in my life who is willing to be the anchor on my balloon. Who will step into my world long enough to take a look at my path--and who has a really great road map to get me where I want to go.
If you want her name, let me know; I couldn't possibly recommend her more.
And, for those of you seeking an update on my new morning schedule plan? After adjusting my bedtime, this morning was another fail. Woke up at 6:15 when I was supposed to wake up at 5:45. Tonight I adjusted my caffeine intake. Cross your fingers for tomorrow!
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