The difference a year makes...

Last year at approximately this time, my biggest concern was whether or not I should apply to the Mentor Series. This year, I have no idea when the deadline is, if it's passed, who the mentors are... it's so far off my radar I can't believe I ever cared.

This year my focus is on yoga. And because I am, apparently, somewhat myopic in my behaviors, I'm shutting out other aspects of life (like writing) as I did other aspects when I was focused on my writing. Today I worked my mentor, the amazing Becka, for the first time. She was one of the leaders for teacher training and I admire the hell out of her. I'm in the Extensions program for CorePower for the next eight weeks. Seem like I just finished eight weeks of CorePower training? I did! And frankly, the two weeks I was between trainings I felt a little lost.

So, I'm back home in yoga country! And I'll get my writing back...I've got work submitted and I'm still relatively within the goals I set for the new year. But, always, working toward a balance is a good thing........

Which of the seven deadly sins is pride?

Not that it matters.

Let me sit down with you and have a chat. Seriously....come here, next to me, pull up a cushion. We need to talk about grades and about hard work because I learned a few things over the past five months and I want to share them with you.

Comfy? Excellent.

Okay, so as a teacher I know how arbitrary grades are. And they're biased as hell. I give kids breaks left and right, and, while I don't take points away from kids just because I don't like them, I don't do those kids any favors either. The whole grading system is flawed beyond measure......yet it is the only system that "matters" to success for eighteen years of a person's life. There were doors that opened and closed to me based on whether or not the professor a) had had their coffee; b) liked me; c) agreed with my opinion; d) actually graded the stuff or had a TA do it that may or may not have known more than I did. Or many other reasons. As a result, I tend to make sure the overall grade for the student reflects their effort and the work that they completed. I give extra credit. I'm more in favor of hard work than of knowledge. Maybe that makes me unfair, but that's how I am.

So, my point. I finished my last final test tonight, and went home praying I had done enough to not wreck my A. My arbitrary, biased, doesn't-matter A. And I got it. I earned 3 As. With teaching an overload, with a second job at a funeral home, with a dog, with having a life. I earned my first 4.0 ever in my life. And let me tell you---I have never, ever been more proud of myself than I am tonight. Not when I graduated from St. Olaf, not when I got accepted to the Zoetrope: All Story writing conference, not when I was honorable mention in the Mentor Series. This is pride that comes straight from hard work-your-ass-off work, which I've discovered I've done decidedly little of in my life.

I know it's only going to get harder from here. This is the tip of the iceberg, and the further I get into it, the more pressure I'll feel to maintain the 4.0. But I'm focused now in a way that I wish I could share with my students--I wish I could make them see the difference between a B that's handed to them (what I accepted my whole life) and an A that is well earned. The difference is immeasurable.

A secret for you---I wasn't a good student. I look like I would have been, acted like I would have been, but I worked far below my actual ability level. Because I'm lazy. And sloth, also one of those seven deadlys, was a huge downfall for me. I'm not a totally smart person--I'm not a natural A girl, I'm a girl that needs to work for her As. And I never did before this January.

So, I'm basking tonight in a feeling that I've honestly never felt before---total and complete pride in a job truly well done. I know I did my best, and I was rewarded for it. Am I placing too much emphasis on grades? Absolutely. But, well, sometimes it's okay to do that.

The results...

Well, the polls are closed, and, in spite of a 4-2 vote in favor of applying to the Mentor Series and an approaching 5pm deadline, I do not have an application prepared for the first time in four year.

Oh well.

I don't feel especially good or bad about it, mostly neutral. I still have that feeling like I "should" apply, but not really because I especially want to get in. OR, maybe my self-preservation instinct is on such overdrive these days that I know a rejection for the 4th year running would do more harm than icky feelings over not applying at all.

A good thing to come out of this is that I have a new story in the works. A new story in spite of not having a Loft class this term. I'm like an actual writer, writing just for the compulsion to do so. And, I like the story. I think it may turn into something.

At some point, probably this summer, I will need to sit down and take stock of my inventory. What stories exist and where they're at in the process. I think I've written a lot more than I feel like I have. My head says I haven't written anything since "Advanced Woods" which I wrote in 2006, but that's not true. I've written at least four stories since then. It's not much, but it's more than nothing.

So, while half of MN waits for mentor results this summer, including Supergenius Jodi, I will not. I guess it's okay. Yes, it's okay.

To Mentor Series or not to Mentor Series...

The deadline for Mentor is this coming Friday. I, for the life of me, cannot decide if I want to submit this year. A huge part of me wants to do it. A *huge* part of me. I would love to work with Sheila O'Connor. I would love to do a reading. I would love to be able to finally identify myself, finally, as a winner. And I think that my writing is in a place where I could use some "new" education....beyond Zoetrope and beyond Loft classes.

The question is, can the Mentor Series give me what I'm looking for? I don't know. I've heard very mixed things about it from participants that I know and trust implicitly. I don't know that I'm ready for Mentor, or if I'll get out of it what I'm seeking. Frankly, I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for.

And so I'm at a crossroads. I guess it doesn't hurt anything to apply, except that I feel like I'm not submitting my best work. I'm reading through "Advanced Woods" and thinking how crappy it is, how no one in their right mind would accept it, and yet it's my best work.

Mentor could do great things for me as a writer. I don't think it can hurt me. So, the logical answer is yes, of course I should apply. But there's something in me that, for the first time, is holding me back from applying. Normally by this time--the last three years anyway--I would have been revising and finetuning for at least the last 2-3 months. I don't know what's changed in me.

So, there's a poll---give me your thoughts. Apply or no?

Ouchie ouch ouch

Jodi IMed me today to let me know that she got her finalist letter for the Mentor Series [YAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYY JODI!! :) ] and, because she is a good friend, to let me know that I did not make the list.

Ow.

Last year when the Ex didn't make the list with a story that was accepted by one of the top literary magazines in the country, Heather and I spent a loooooot of time coming up with any reason possible why he didn't make the cut. I am now trying to remember what all of those reasons were so that I can tell myself that it's because of something else other than that I am the shittiest writer to ever harbor the misconception that she is a writer.

I've had a LOT of rejection this year with my writing. It's okay...none of it has killed me, and it's not like I'll stop writing because of rejection. Certainly hasn't stopped me in the dating world--why would it stop me with something that really matters?

"Christmas without fruitcake is like St. Sigmund's day without the headless boy!"

As I sit here in my sweatpants eating buttery popcorn, drinking a Diet Coke and watching The Golden Girls, obviously in full no-apology depression mode, this quote from Rose made me laugh out loud.

I did not get into the Mentor Series. Neither did Jodi. Polly broke the news to us, ending the week long vigil of sitting on my cell phone waiting for Jerod to call. I don't know about honorable mention, finalist, any of that, I just know I'm not one of the four chosen.

Rob did his best to take our minds off of it after classes ended tonight. At Grumpy's he hung out with his class and then when they all took off (rookies!) he joined Jodi, Polly and me.

I guess I'm a little mixed about not getting in. Is it a big deal? Is it totally arbitrary? Both? Should I use it as a measure of my writing? (I guess only if I get in, yeah?) I have a real problem with the idea that if you get published or win an award, then it means you're good, but if you don't publish/win then it's because it's all so subjective. Where I come from, which is where most of you come from, if you won it meant you were good, and if you lost it meant you weren't as good as the winners. To change the parameters based on winning or losing seems to make the whole process all so much crap.

The conclusion of poetry class tonight, my having a total Knox Overstreet moment in class (yeah, I read a love poem, yeah, the person I was crushing on was in the room when I read it. Carpe Diem, man.), and the results of mentor have left me all more confused than anything else. I don't know where my writing should go from here. I've blown my writing wide open this summer, pushing the novel, the poetry, and my fiction to new levels, and now I'm staring at a big mess of pieces and I don't quite know how they will (or can) fit back together again. This is not necessarily a bad thing, it's just a confusing thing.

I'm going to continue in poetry for awhile...I like it. Fiction and I are on a break at the moment.

Reporting live from the planet Venus

Today was so oppressively hot I'm not sure that there are words in the English language (or any language, for that matter) to describe it. I was outside for all of 3 minutes, to walk to the mailbox and back, and other than that I stared at the phone, talked to Jodi, read Harry Potter, and napped. Last night was a late one--I stayed up until almost five a.m. writing.

I tried to run last night. I did 1.5 miles and worked on speed rather than distance. There was no chance of me running today. Tomorrow should be better, as the dewpoint is supposed to be back to an Earthly range.

Still waiting to hear on Mentor. Heather said that she doesn't think she knew at this time last year. I remember she told me at our final writing group session, which was in early August, so there could still be good news.

Holding vigil...

So, the announcements for this year's Loft Mentor Series are coming out...or they've already come out and I didn't get in. A friend of mine found out last Tuesday that she got in in Poetry, but then Jerod (the Loft guy who calls the winners) left on vacation. Here is what I don't know:

1. If Jerod is in or out of town
2. If only the Poetry people have been called
3. If he called everyone in all categories before he left
4. If I am in or not

Last night Jodi and I were sitting at Grumpy's after class (sans Rob who actually sent an email telling us he wouldn't be able to make it...the first sign of the apocolypse) and I was talking about how the wait for this is so much worse than the wait to find out about grad school. She said, simply, "Well, you really really want this" (or something to that effect...) and she's right. I do want this more than I wanted to get into the U of M. That sounds insane, even to me, but it's true. The Mentor Series is a feather in the cap of anyone who regularly deals with the loft, and it opens up opportunities for teaching, writing groups, etc.

I haven't talked about this year's mentor yet. Last year it was a shock to get honorable mention. This year my expectations are higher, I think, than they should be. I don't know. I just like going into things without the assumption that I'll get something because of the amazing feeling if I do. Belize, Loft honorable mention, those were both total surprises.

Also, just as an aside, last year when I got my HM letter, my writing group also broke up. I pronounced that I was going to enter a celebate state with writing groups and have done so for nearly a year. I do occasionally get the desire to rejoin a group, or to form one, but this last group ended in such disappointment, I think, for all of us, and I only talk to one of the four other members, which is disheartening still.

Okay...hopefully Jerod will call today. Or soon. I haven't waited like this for a man to call me in...well...a long damn time.

A beautiful night

I'm sitting on my patio enjoying a corona and typing by the light of my citronella candle. There's a magnificant breeze and, in spite of thunderstorm warnings in my area until 11pm, not a cloud in the sky.
I've been working on a story about a boy who I think is about 11 years old. It's difficult getting into his head but I know there's a lot going on in there. I'm trying to remember what it's like to be 11. Ain't pretty, that much I know!

I've been reading George Saunders as well. Pastoralia. It's bizarre. I'm getting really excited to work with him, though, in Belize. He's got this way of making serious things humorous but keeping them serious at the same time, so at first you're not sure you should be laughing, but then he makes it so obvious that you know it's okay, then he brings it back around and basically says "hey, what are you laughing at, this is serious."

A small note....in spite of my not wanting to hear anything to do with the mentor series until the winners are posted on Aug. 15th, I've found out that phone calls have been made to winners. I, naturally, have not gotten a call. I'm still holding to my early philosophy, that if I didn't get it there's a reason for it and it's okay, but it's going to be hard to explain to everyone. Unlike a lot of other writers, I have an incredible support system of family and friends. They expect me to get in, and will be genuinely concerned that I didn't. I don't want to talk about it, and I don't want to keep explaining over and over again because then I will start to feel bad about it and that's just no good. Oh well. It's the price you pay for being cared about, I guess.

The drought is coming to an end

I haven't written a word since July 17th, which may seem like a short amount of time but given the fact that I'm not working or doing anything that even remotely contributes to the overall wellbeing of humanity (except being my sunshiny, charming self, that is) it's forever.

So tonight I wrote. Finally. When I got to writing group I was crabby because I felt the lack of inspiration sitting in my head laughing and yelling "you're not going to write anything! Haha!" And then we started writing and this image came into my head and I started writing. And, I don't want to jinx it (which is why you're not getting the gory details) but I think it might take off. I need a story for class in about two weeks maybe three anyway, so if I can get it done in time to do some revisions that would kick ass.

I think the pressure of Belize and the Mentor Series is getting to me. When I go to Belize I'm going to have to be strong enough to face, literally, two incredibly talented writers, one of whom I admire deeply (and happens to be the mentor of another person I admire deeply, double whammy), and hear what they have to say about my writing. I think I'm scared. Which is weird, because I don't know the last time I thought that. Anxious, yeah, nervous, sure, but scared is a whole different category and I think I'm there.

Mentor Series will be announced on August 15th here. Belize is certainly enough, but if I should be lucky enough to land in the Mentor Series too, well, that would be just nuts. There are so many different factors that weigh into the Mentor, though, so it's really impossible to tell. I could have written the best story in the world and if the judge reads it on an off day or something... it's all in the timing and the mood and the whatever and whether or not the judge had his/her coffee that morning.

Oh well. At least I'm writing again. Happy, happy day!!